Bad hair days

Said the friend, "No one knows how to cut hair in this city." I nodded in agreement, the champagne having by then mellowed me to all other possibly contentious matters bar this one.

"Where," I wailed, to the astonishment of others who were lunching in the rather posh restaurant where this litany was being aired, "should I get my hair cut?" A few days earlier, the same friend had said in jest to the same question, "I'll cut your hair."

Now men say things that they don't mean and don't say things that they really mean. But be that as it may, the hard fact of life in this country is that to be able to get a decent haircut is akin to trying to find an honest politician.

There are several of both but not the kind that you want and need. Hairstyling has become a profession that many now aspire to. There is guts and glory in it but for some mysterious reason, known only to god probably, Indians haven't been able to perfect the art of a good haircut.

And men and women are suffering on this account all over India. Film director Shekhar Kapur has portentously declared that human beings will be at war over water but I say that even before we get to that state, Indians will have killed themselves and their hairstylists over bad haircuts.

There is, therefore, no danger of India ever being part of the future water wars. Meetings have been ruined, marriages have ended in divorce and countries have declined to elect presidents (I am not making this up; in the last presidential race, John Kerry was not elected by the Americans because his hair wasn't appropriately styled) because of bad hair days, or just bad hair more often than not.

The impact of bad hair is cataclysmic. We know that and yet as a nation that has impressed the world with its IT skills, cuisine, beautiful women, spirituality and god knows what else, we are not too mindful of exposing our national shame of badly cut hair. Socialism supports bad hairstyles, but in the brave new capitalist world well-cut hair is symptomatic of good things.

This column on another occasion had tried to point out to Mayawati that she needed a cracking new haircut if she wished to occupy 7 Race Course Road. Behenji, very sorry, but it was slightly misplaced advice as I now know that it is impossible to get a good, let alone fantastic, haircut here. So, as always, you are right to stick to the functional bob that you sport.

On an earlier occasion my boss had kindly suggested that I should start my own hairstyling venture by importing appropriate manpower from nations that excel in this segment.

A bit like India sending its techies to other countries. I am now seriously contemplating it. Meanwhile, dear friend, no pressure but can I take you up on that offer of a haircut as all else has failed? Sob. Sob. Sob.

(archana.jahagirdar@bsmail.in)