Take time out, listen and be there when they need you. Veenu Sandhu finds out what it takes to win a child’s trust
In September, a school van driver in Delhi was arrested for raping a 12-year-old girl and sodomising her younger brothers, aged 10 and 7. The children had lived the nightmare for 18 months, before their widowed mother found out. The driver had forced the children into silence by threatening to kill her. This was an extreme case where the children were too terrified to confide in anyone. But the incident threw up a crucial issue: How can parents, in everyday life, ensure that their children confide in them?
“When the child is trying to tell you something, listen, without being judgmental,” suggests child psychologist Dr Amit Sen, whose clinic Children First takes its name from what he believes is every parent’s foremost duty — to make the child the nucleus of parenting. The moment a parent starts correcting rather than listening, the child starts clamming up, he says. His advice is echoed in the sentiments expressed by 11-year-old Akshit Goel, who says “I find it easier to confide in my mother because my father at times just points out my mistakes and changes the subject.”
Listen and believe
When something has gone wrong, it takes a lot for a child to come up and talk about it, say experts. If, at that point, a parent doubts what the child is saying, it can be the beginning of a communication breakdown between the two. “Children need to know that their parents trust them and will believe them. The fear of not being accepted or believed can drive them into a shell,” cautions Gauri Ishwaran, founder principal of Sanskriti School, Delhi. Do not undermine children’s feelings, fears or reactions, she says, or they’ll bring the shutters down.
Small incidents can have big ramifications. Something as innocuous as a parent’s reaction to a child’s fear of the dark can define their relationship for a lifetime. Harsh Veer’s example is a case in point. As a child, Harsh, now 15, was terrified of stepping into a dark room. His father thought that was silly and told him to “be a man”. Harsh says though he loves his father, over the years, he has stopped sharing his fears with him.
“Sometimes parents have to hear their children, not just listen to them,” says Arun Aggarwal, father of two teenaged boys who moved to Ohio from Delhi some years ago. “The child may be expressing his grief in some other form. You have to hear the grief in the middle of listening to all the stuff around it,” he says.
Love versus fear
The parent-child relationship is a complex one. It’s meant to grow, evolve, be redefined — and even renegotiated — at every stage. “There is love between the two, which is natural, but there is also fear,” says Aggarwal. “If fear overrides love, the child will hesitate to confide in the parent,” he says. Geetanjali Kapur, 20, couldn’t agree more. A final-year student of BCom (Honours) at Venkateswara College in Delhi, Geetanjali says, “There’s the fear of hearing a no, the fear that parents will not understand or will overreact,” she says. Her younger sister, Anandini (18) says youngsters would rather share their life with their friends who “give us the reassurance we need”. The girls’ mother, Purnima Kapur, a homemaker, works hard to stay in sync with her daughters. “They might shrug me off, but I think by constantly talking to them there’s a greater chance they’ll come to me when they really need help,” she says.
| Talk time Eshita Mallik, age 10 I avoid telling my parents about my problem when they have just come back from office and are tired. I don’t want them to start worrying. Also, I am able to share things better during bedtime. All the day’s work is over and my mind is free. This is my little ‘talk time’, especially with my mother. I miss this time when my mother is out of town or late from work. The bad thing that may have happened during the day then keeps going round in my head and I am unable to sleep. Once, something happened and I felt very uneasy talking about it. But I thought if I suffer longer, I will still have to tell my parents in the end. And if I tell them now, I will not have to suffer anymore. (Name of the child has been changed) |
Hold on to your anxiety
Children are sensitive and quick to pick up non-verbal messages. “If the child senses that what he’s saying is making the parent anxious or tense, he feels guilty,” says Dr Rajat Mitra of the Swanchetan Society for Mental Health that deals with child victims of trauma and abuse.
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There will be times when it’s tough not to react, says Dr Sen. But it’s important to hold on to your anxiety or anger and listen. “Overreact or be overanxious and the child will make sure that in the future you never get to know what’s bothering him,” he cautions.
Psychologists also say once the child grows up and has a circle of friend, many parents assume he has a life of his own. “The level of involvement in the child’s life goes down. It’s evident at parent-teacher meetings too, where parents of older children are less likely to turn up,” says Dr Sen. It’s at this stage that most parents lose touch with their children. “It’s as though the child and the parent are living in a parallel universe,” he says.
Also, if a parent does not have time for the child, he will find other sources to confide in, says Aggarwal. “Take time out and listen deeply. Block the distractions, turn off the mobile phone and the TV. The child needs to know that you are giving him your hundred per cent,” says Dr Sen. Bonding, he adds, depends on how much the child or the teenager feels the parent is giving.
Children are quick to differentiate between a question asked out of genuine interest and one that stems from suspicion, psychologists say. The former can turn you into your child’s confidante. The latter will isolate you from them. The choice, say experts, is yours.