 "Highway to adulthood")
It's been 10 years since Pritika Kumar's parents finalised their divorce. "One would assume the nightmares to stop after all these years," she says. She was 15 when her parents got divorced and has since been facing trouble sleeping. "Going to a psychologist was not an option then," she explains. Kumar is a part of the nearly 1 per cent households in India, according to the 2011 Census, where the head of the family is either separated or divorced. Children, who are often believed to be the greatest casualty of a divorce, are also often the most ignored, especially when it comes to their emotional needs.
Vandana Shah, Mumbai-based author and family court lawyer, says that the problem is precipitated when parents bring their children along to the court. "In an atmosphere of acrimony, the child's psyche is deeply traumatised. As a rule, parents should never get their children to the court," she says. She cites the example of a six-year-old who saw his mother go through a divorce twice. "Can you imagine how confused he would be?" Shah adds that nearly 60 per cent of the children who see their parents separate or divorce never fully recover from the trauma. "One can see how maladjusted they are even when they grow up to be adults." She explains that this does not mean that the child should be kept in the dark about the family situation. "Conversation is important between parents and children, especially when the child is an adolescent. But parents should understand the fine line between keeping the children informed and actively engaging them in their battle," she says.
This is trickier in a custody battle, where, in order to assert custody rights, parents often get embroiled in one-upmanship arguments, highlighting the wrongdoings of each other a tad too vocally to the child. Osama Suhail, partner at ANZ Lawz, suggests that the parents' lawyers can play a "pivotal" role to help limit emotional turmoil a child faces. "Unlike the West, children in India do not have separate legal representation during a custody battle. The divorce attorneys are thus the first point of contact and need to keep the interest of the child above anything else," he says. This can be helped further if judges and mediators are sensitive and perceptive to a child's needs. "Judges now want to talk to the children before deciding on a custody matter. This is a promising trend, especially given the judges' authority and neutral position," Shah says.
School counsellors, too, can help bridge this gap. Considering a child spends close to seven hours in school, observant teachers and counsellors can spot a child's psychological difficulties and intervene to prevent further damage.
Sen also suggests taking the child along to a support group. "While it depends on how old the child is, going to a support group with the family helps rebuild trust and gives them a sense of community." But Shah cautions that since a support group is a space for adults to share their experiences, it might pass the negativity onto the child. "A child's moral world is black-and-white and divorce is a large grey area," she says.
Shah adds that the legal system needs a change, where a mental health facility is set up for children immediately. "Currently, you find social workers doubling up as psychologists. This needs to change," she says. Sen agrees and adds that there is an overall lack of focus on the softer, emotional aspects of psychology and psychiatry, even among doctors. "We see mental health in terms of diseases, but fail to understand that unresolved childhood issues can eventually cause those very diseases," he says.
Till this change comes about, Shah says that the onus of softening the emotional trauma lies on the parents. "The important thing to remember is that a divorce is only a part of your life. That is what parents need to tell their children and not let their battle become their child's lifelong reality."
Vandana Shah, Mumbai-based author and family court lawyer, says that the problem is precipitated when parents bring their children along to the court. "In an atmosphere of acrimony, the child's psyche is deeply traumatised. As a rule, parents should never get their children to the court," she says. She cites the example of a six-year-old who saw his mother go through a divorce twice. "Can you imagine how confused he would be?" Shah adds that nearly 60 per cent of the children who see their parents separate or divorce never fully recover from the trauma. "One can see how maladjusted they are even when they grow up to be adults." She explains that this does not mean that the child should be kept in the dark about the family situation. "Conversation is important between parents and children, especially when the child is an adolescent. But parents should understand the fine line between keeping the children informed and actively engaging them in their battle," she says.
This is trickier in a custody battle, where, in order to assert custody rights, parents often get embroiled in one-upmanship arguments, highlighting the wrongdoings of each other a tad too vocally to the child. Osama Suhail, partner at ANZ Lawz, suggests that the parents' lawyers can play a "pivotal" role to help limit emotional turmoil a child faces. "Unlike the West, children in India do not have separate legal representation during a custody battle. The divorce attorneys are thus the first point of contact and need to keep the interest of the child above anything else," he says. This can be helped further if judges and mediators are sensitive and perceptive to a child's needs. "Judges now want to talk to the children before deciding on a custody matter. This is a promising trend, especially given the judges' authority and neutral position," Shah says.
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But the entire experience of family courts, despite the recent addition of children's rooms, can leave a lasting impression. Shouting matches can often turn ugly inside dingy mediation rooms. This makes children, especially adolescents, feel responsible and even guilty for the breakdown of the family and force them to take on the role of an adult all too quickly. While in the West, support groups often play an important role to emotionally rehabilitate children, such groups only exist for single parents in India at the moment. Amit Sen, senior child and adolescent psychiatrist at Children First, explains that the family largely fills in the vacuum that the legal system leaves behind, especially since Indian children are not as independent as their peers in the West. "In the absence of a dedicated mechanism for children, it is up to the parents and even grandparents to be proactive," he says. Sen adds that a positive change that has come with increased awareness among parents is that they are approaching psychologists and counsellors at an early stage. For example, parents now come to mental health practitioners to understand the best way to tell the child that they are separating and make the transition relatively smooth for the child.
School counsellors, too, can help bridge this gap. Considering a child spends close to seven hours in school, observant teachers and counsellors can spot a child's psychological difficulties and intervene to prevent further damage.
Sen also suggests taking the child along to a support group. "While it depends on how old the child is, going to a support group with the family helps rebuild trust and gives them a sense of community." But Shah cautions that since a support group is a space for adults to share their experiences, it might pass the negativity onto the child. "A child's moral world is black-and-white and divorce is a large grey area," she says.
Shah adds that the legal system needs a change, where a mental health facility is set up for children immediately. "Currently, you find social workers doubling up as psychologists. This needs to change," she says. Sen agrees and adds that there is an overall lack of focus on the softer, emotional aspects of psychology and psychiatry, even among doctors. "We see mental health in terms of diseases, but fail to understand that unresolved childhood issues can eventually cause those very diseases," he says.
Till this change comes about, Shah says that the onus of softening the emotional trauma lies on the parents. "The important thing to remember is that a divorce is only a part of your life. That is what parents need to tell their children and not let their battle become their child's lifelong reality."