Negotiating with empathy

A large television network in the US began running a comedy programme. Shortly thereafter, it was sued by a husband-wife team of content producers who had a comedy act by the same name playing on local television in one part of the country. Though the network changed the name of its programme, the couple refused to drop its suit. The network then sent a senior executive along with a battery of lawyers with the clear instruction — the dispute was to be settled without paying a dime. 

Instead of trying to intimidate the couple by demonstrating the legal firepower at her command, the network executive decided to try another tack. She asked the couple if they would be willing to speak to her without their respective lawyers. Once alone, she asked them: “What do you really need?” The couple was taken aback by this unexpected show of goodwill, but then replied they were afraid they would not survive. What they needed most at that point was exposure. The television executive offered them a few advertising spots. It would not cost her network much but meant the world to the couple which could not afford such publicity on its own. The two sides decided to settle amicably. 

The Bible says: “Ask and it will be given to you.” In reality, one often finds that life is ridden with conflicts. And when faced with such a situation, people resort to two extremes of behaviour—they turn overly aggressive or they capitulate and accept a situation meekly. But there is a third way. It requires courage but can be very effective in helping a person make his way in the world—and that is the path of negotiation. 

Ask for more: 10 questions to ask to get what you want  
 

Author: Alexandra Carter 
 

Publisher: Simon & Schuster 
 

Pages: 256
 

Price: Rs 552

 

Unfortunately, this is not a skill with which most people are born. But like public speaking, it can be acquired with practice. And if you are looking for a coaching manual, Columbia Law School professor and renowned mediation expert Alexandra Carter’s book Ask For More is just the one that can show you the way.

The good news is that you don’t need to sell your soul to become an accomplished negotiator. It is a myth that negotiation is a zero-sum game—that someone must lose if you are to win. As Ms Carter explains, if you follow a collaborative approach to negotiation (as the example at the start demonstrates), you can create win-win solutions. Once the negotiation is over, your adversary often turns into your partner and together you can work on creating a larger pie. 

The belief that the loudest voice at the table always emerges victorious is equally erroneous. In real life, aggression can prove counter-productive. It turns off the people on the other side instead of winning them over to your way of thinking. 

If arguments will not win the day, then what will? The author offers an approach that involves asking questions. Ask the right questions, she says, so that you gain a deep understanding of your own needs and that of your adversary. 

One skill Ms Carter emphasises at length is the ability to listen. Most people think they are good listeners, but they are not. Don’t believe it? Tape a few daily life conversations and see just how often we interrupt each other to shower our own pearls of wisdom when a patient listening would help us benefit far more from a conversation. The author advocates that a person should cultivate the habit of listening with empathy. After the other party has said its piece, summarise what has been said and ask follow-up questions to fill the gaps in your understanding. Only when you listen with an open mind and heart will you be able to transcend your biases and preconceived notions, and gain an insight into the other person’s deeper needs and desires. Armed with this knowledge, you can craft a solution that is acceptable to both the parties.

The book has two key sections. The first is the Mirror section, wherein the reader is prompted to ask a few crucial questions of himself—about his goals, his needs, the emotions he has about the conflict, and so on. In the second part, called the Window, the reader is encouraged to turn the spotlight on the other party in the negotiation and ask some of the same questions of it. 

The book’s style is simple and the suggestions it contains are eminently practicable. Follow the steps outlined here and not only will you become a better negotiator, you will also improve your ability to solve problems, make decisions, and resolve interpersonal deadlocks.

The Bible says that the meek shall inherit the earth. With a helping hand from Carter, they well might.