Respected Pradhan Mantriji,
1. Saadar Namaskar. It is with happiness that we are humbly submitting our preliminary report to you. A full version will be compiled with details and filed with the Prime Minister's Office in triplicate within three months.
2. Sir, first we congratulate you on your vision for Indian sports. You have shown foresight that is rare for an Indian leader and facilitated the visit of the chairman (which is, I humbly submit, me) and a team of 15 MPs to Germany to ready ourselves for the 2017 Under-17 Football World Cup that FIFA has allotted to our country. Your brief to us on our visit to Germany was to understand how a country receives its world-beating team, by which, in this case, we mean the German national team that won the FIFA World Cup in Rio de Janeiro on July 13.
3. Our visit has given us global insights into how to organise a world-class event. Sir, we report that we were privy to the celebrations of the German team and now can copy these in toto for use in India.
4. Sir, it was our privilege to notice how the German team was flown home to Berlin in a special Lufthansa aircraft. The aircraft, in a spirit of national admiration for the German Football Team, was repainted with the word "Fanhansa". This move was widely appreciated by all the fans. We think this is something worth emulating. We have already begun talks with the Indian Railways. The hon'ble rail mantri has agreed that Duronto trains will be used to transport our under-17 heroes to their homes and will have "Indian Khelways" painted on them. Sir, you will appreciate that with this move, we will be on a par with Germany on the world stage.
5. In Germany, there was a big party and a lot of beer and champagne flowed. We assure you Sir, that we, the special Indian delegation sent by you to Germany, abstained from drinking anything, but we think it is a good way to thank our young heroes. Since Indian culture will not allow liquor at parties, we have advised the food processing ministry to come up with top-class bottles of jamun juice and carrot kanji, both to be grown organically and fertilised only with revered cow manure. Rest assured Sir, the winner's toast in India will again be world class.
6. Then Sir, we are embarrassed to report there was all that kissing between the German national players and the songstress Rihanna. Obviously, Sir, we cannot allow that in India due to our culture. What we have proposed to the hon'ble sanskar mantri is that she identify the best Bharatnatyam dancer in India under the age of 17. We will ensure that the press gets pictures of our young football players doing namaskar to the star dancer.
7. Again Sir, we were embarrassed to see the unabashed exchanges of kisses between Chancellor Angela Merkel and the German national team players. Our culture is against you, respected Pradhan Mantriji sir, kissing little boys. So we have asked the Prime Minister's Office to consider instead tweeting encouraging words for each player by name.
8. With these in place, we assure you India will have a world-class reception for our players at the Under-17 World Cup in 2017.
9. Our work is done and the details will be submitted, as mentioned above, in triplicate later. In the meanwhile, we request you Sir to force the hon'ble khel mantri to ensure that the Indian Under-17 team wins the World Cup so that our labour does not go in vain.
Yours very humbly, Chairman and members, PM's Special Committee on Vibrant India Sports Celebrations
1. Saadar Namaskar. It is with happiness that we are humbly submitting our preliminary report to you. A full version will be compiled with details and filed with the Prime Minister's Office in triplicate within three months.
2. Sir, first we congratulate you on your vision for Indian sports. You have shown foresight that is rare for an Indian leader and facilitated the visit of the chairman (which is, I humbly submit, me) and a team of 15 MPs to Germany to ready ourselves for the 2017 Under-17 Football World Cup that FIFA has allotted to our country. Your brief to us on our visit to Germany was to understand how a country receives its world-beating team, by which, in this case, we mean the German national team that won the FIFA World Cup in Rio de Janeiro on July 13.
3. Our visit has given us global insights into how to organise a world-class event. Sir, we report that we were privy to the celebrations of the German team and now can copy these in toto for use in India.
4. Sir, it was our privilege to notice how the German team was flown home to Berlin in a special Lufthansa aircraft. The aircraft, in a spirit of national admiration for the German Football Team, was repainted with the word "Fanhansa". This move was widely appreciated by all the fans. We think this is something worth emulating. We have already begun talks with the Indian Railways. The hon'ble rail mantri has agreed that Duronto trains will be used to transport our under-17 heroes to their homes and will have "Indian Khelways" painted on them. Sir, you will appreciate that with this move, we will be on a par with Germany on the world stage.
5. In Germany, there was a big party and a lot of beer and champagne flowed. We assure you Sir, that we, the special Indian delegation sent by you to Germany, abstained from drinking anything, but we think it is a good way to thank our young heroes. Since Indian culture will not allow liquor at parties, we have advised the food processing ministry to come up with top-class bottles of jamun juice and carrot kanji, both to be grown organically and fertilised only with revered cow manure. Rest assured Sir, the winner's toast in India will again be world class.
6. Then Sir, we are embarrassed to report there was all that kissing between the German national players and the songstress Rihanna. Obviously, Sir, we cannot allow that in India due to our culture. What we have proposed to the hon'ble sanskar mantri is that she identify the best Bharatnatyam dancer in India under the age of 17. We will ensure that the press gets pictures of our young football players doing namaskar to the star dancer.
7. Again Sir, we were embarrassed to see the unabashed exchanges of kisses between Chancellor Angela Merkel and the German national team players. Our culture is against you, respected Pradhan Mantriji sir, kissing little boys. So we have asked the Prime Minister's Office to consider instead tweeting encouraging words for each player by name.
8. With these in place, we assure you India will have a world-class reception for our players at the Under-17 World Cup in 2017.
9. Our work is done and the details will be submitted, as mentioned above, in triplicate later. In the meanwhile, we request you Sir to force the hon'ble khel mantri to ensure that the Indian Under-17 team wins the World Cup so that our labour does not go in vain.
Yours very humbly, Chairman and members, PM's Special Committee on Vibrant India Sports Celebrations
Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities