The way the cookie crumbles

@PERIPATETIC

Airline travel can be vexing. The supply swamp, without the supporting infrastructure that affords us cheap fares, also means inevitable schedule delays.

It has also, just as inevitably, democratised air travel. Many are the colours on the plumage of today's airline passenger makeup. Enough variety to keep one amused through it all.

On a recent trip to the capital, on a budget airline (but, naturally), I had the pleasure of sitting next to an elderly couple who were clearly airborne for the first time in their lives. Overhead buttons were pounded repeatedly causing airhostesses' rehearsed smiles to quickly crumble into frowns.

Now that is predictable first-time flyer behaviour. What wasn't expected was their reaction every time the plane hit turbulence; the dizzy undulating threw most of us off balance but drew shrill giggles from the otherwise shrew-like lady.

I watched the food tray being pushed along by its human dispenser. Now, most people have resigned themselves to the fact that they have to pay for their meals on a cost-cutting airline. What I can't understand is why we're now being subjected to draconian war-time rationing.

Airlines, it seems, are severely miscalculating food sales. Seat 1A? Samosas, sandwiches and a choice between apricot and mango juice. Seat 15D? Half a samosa and mango juice. Seat 23B? "Err... water, madam? It's on the house." I felt the bile rise but grit my teeth and turned on the fast depleting reserves of charm.

"But I am really ravenous," I implored. From somewhere appeared a box of cookies reluctantly produced like contraband. Always the one to live dangerously, I took my time over choosing three.

But the illicit transition had been spotted and from somewhere appeared 10 fidgety fingers from across the aisle. Not to be outdone, the cost-conscious steward hurriedly returned the cookie tray to its rightful place... the safe, dark recesses of the storage unit, but not before threatening to wedge the culpable hands painfully. The hands were hastily withdrawn... gratis cookie in tow. Victory of good over evil.

Speaking of cookies, several were consumed out of sheer boredom on my return journey home. The flight was four-and-a-half hours late and where even Murakami's lyrical prose failed to elevate the mood, the arrival of a freshly waxed chest did. The young man in question (yes, there was a person attached to aforementioned chest) sat himself in the empty seat next to me.

The air was thick with the possibility of a conversation. And then... "What is the meaning of Adonis?" spake the chest. As I articulated my measured response I sneaked a peek into his reading material. "How to manipulate members of the opposite sex," it said. Brilliant, I thought, as I settled into what promised to be a laborious discussion.

Turned out the man, an aspiring model, was well-mannered and courteous, if only slightly masochistic and flirtatious. But who could dismiss the diversion provided by the detailed account of how his braces (not to mention brazenness) were coming in the way of him and inevitable stardom. As I walked away to my renegade flight, he shouted out, "What is the female version of Adonis?" I just laughed.

By the way, did you know Delhi hosts the largest number of resident and migratory birds in the world next only to Nairobi? It is full of birding hotspots like Sultanpur, Okhla and the Asola wildlife sanctuary. This rare distinction has been attributed to the fact that Delhi is at a confluence of three or four different habitats (wetlands, scrub etc) providing great diversity.

Delhi has another rare distinction. That it possibly hosts the greatest number of lawless citizens in the country is well-known, that this translates directly into passengers defiantly and en masse leaving their mobile phones on through the length of the plane journey (and not discreetly on silent), I didn't know. The chaos and disorder that ensued were yet another reminder of the participatory democracy that is airplane travel today.