A flight of fancy in Worli

Top representatives of Banana Republic Securities and Mumbai Airline's bosses meet in Worli to discuss IPO plans of the airline

Time : 10 a.m.

Venue : Banana Republic Securities, Worli, Mumbai

Attendees: Top representatives of Banana Republic Securities and Mumbai Airline’s bosses 

Agenda : Initial public offering plans of the airline 

Mumbai Airline bosses: Guys, please listen carefully. This is the sixth time we’ve toyed with this idea. As you know, we are here to dupe some money — Rs 3,000-Rs 4,000 crore-odd — from the public since the banks are refusing loans. We tried to get this money from our regular bankers but they are spineless these days. You know how it is. This spinelessness is afflicting large numbers, a bit like that virus that led to all this trouble.

Banana Rep: Did I hear you say dupe? No? Oh ok, must be my Chinese hearing aid. Can you list some of the things you do differently from other rivals in the sector?

Mumbai Airline bosses: Well, we like variety so we constantly change our top team and I mean constantly. Do you know how many CEOs, CFOs, CCOs, heads of HRD we’ve trained for the industry? We provide this expensive parking/ training ground in the heart of the city, albeit for brief periods. Then, there are some other unique practices that nobody else in the industry has managed to perfect. Once an employee falls from grace, we instantly evict him. Our HR people — led by the head if we have one at that point in time — empty out the incumbent’s cabin and ensure that he and she is escorted out of the premises if possible. Public humiliation is what we excel at. 

Our legal team ensures that no dues are paid, even those that are legitimately owed. That’s what we have the large legal teams for: It’s a practice followed in many of our businesses. We’ve sued many of our senior team members whenever required. Why, once we almost sued someone who hadn’t yet joined us but wasted our time and energy interviewing and then refused to join! The gall. 

Banana Rep: Hmmm. Sounds like quite the place to work. How many times have you made it to the best places to work lists? You know those endless surveys and awards? It all helps, you know, perceptions make and break. Yes Bank amply demonstrated that.

Mumbai Airline bosses: No shortage of awards. We are awarded every other month. Built a special room at the headquarters to house these trophies and so on. Let me list a few recent ones: In 2019, Timbuktu Tourism awarded us the “Best Airline” and in the same year, AsiaNoSense picked us as India’s Greatest Brand and Pride Of The Nation award — yes, yes, just like good ole Air India. In 2019, we also got the “Most Trusted Brand” award by USA’s BlindTrust Brand Consultants. The list goes on and on.

Banana Rep : Hmmm….sounds good. What other distinguishing features —stuff that you do and others don’t?

Mumbai Airline bosses: Well, we keep a very keen watch on our CEOs — a close tab. Can’t trust everyone with all our trade secrets. Of course, it means that we are also privy to their personal lives, but hey, what the hell — isn’t everyone today privy to some information that’s strictly not their business!

Banana Rep: Hmmm….I see what you mean. What about business practices? Are you ahead of your peers and rivals in this pandemic ?

Mumbai Airline bosses: We’ve beaten everyone hollow. Many of them are caught up with playing Mr Nice Guy but we stopped paying salaries the moment we saw the writing on the wall. Quite frankly, how employees manage is their problem, not ours. Should have saved up for a rainy day. Don’t they have cash stashed in every possible corner like many of us do? 

Once flying restarted and people were still wary, we adopted a new practice. We opened flights, collected fares and cancelled whenever the loads were not high enough. No refunds for cancelled flights, so we have the cash. If the passenger is desperate enough, he can book another flight and reach on another day. I mean, what could be that urgent.

Banana Rep: What happens when things return to normal ? How quickly can you get back to a pre-pandemic level of operations?

Mumbai Airline bosses: I’m firmly of the view that people are like commodities available freely for a price. If  and when we really need someone, we’ll offer the right price. If this initial public offering goes as planned, we’ll have the money we need without putting in any of our funds. If it doesn’t all work out eventually, only small investors would lose and well, what’s so new or novel in that. We all saw what happened with NoJet Airways, didn’t we ? Who truly cares about those small guys anyway? Not me, not you, not the Sleeping And Exchange Board of India and not New Delhi.

Banana Rep: Hmm….I see what you mean....As long as you give us an advance cheque for our services, it all sounds kosher to me. Let’s get this show on the road, guys.