General Raheel Sharif had reached the last of the slides from his PowerPoint presentation (Title: "Operation 'Enough is Enough': The Heroic and Secular Pakistan Army's Latest Attempt at Pulverising N Waziristan"). The slide showed a Pakistani F-16 strafing a rubble-strewn village somewhere in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas.
"Final figures: Over 900 members of the TTP - sorry, I mean 'bad guys' - neutered by our brave forces, 10 top Al-Qaeda leaders captured alive to be dispatched to Guantanamo Bay, 15 settlements bombed into the stone age, over 20,000 civilians displaced," General Sharif concluded, in the manner of a consultant finishing his final client presentation. A few moments of uncomfortable silence ensued. The corps commanders, sitting in the back row, held their breath. The American delegation in the front row, with John Kerry seated in the centre, looked on impassively.
"These numbers look good, fellas," Mr Kerry finally said, "and full marks for snazzy graphics. But we ain't buying it."
"But, sir … " General Sharif began to protest but the United States secretary of state cut him short: "We've all seen Homeland now, General. Even the average American voter now knows that not only is there a country called Pakistan, but what's worse, it's neither with us nor against us."
"We are completely with you now, sir," General Sharif remonstrated.
"The hell you are! Wish you guys were transparent like the North Koreans or the Iranians. It's so much easier to frame policy when it comes to them."
General Sharif appeared flustered. Former general Musharraf had told him over golf a few days ago that back in his time - and in Zia and Ayub's time for that matter - the Americans were a lot easier to deal with. They just wrote the cheques and then trusted you to get the job done. But that dashed Homeland, and a spate of anti-Pakistan army books - many written by women! - had changed all that. Women! Women would never understand the ethos of the Pakistan army. They had no business writing entire books on it, he felt.
"So unless you guys have concrete proof," Mr Kerry continued, gulping the residual layer of black coffee (from a mug emblazoned "My Ally Hunted Osama at Tora Bora and All I Got Was this Lousy Mug"), "that you are winning the war against terror, I will not be able to cut you a cheque for the next quarter."
"Oh, there is one definite proof of a giant stride against the war on terror, sir," General Sharif said, thinking on his feet. "Imran Khan's hush-hush marriage to a BBC news anchor 20 years younger than him."
"Imran Khan? That guy who leads protests against American drone strikes in Peshawar one day and attends charity balls thrown by British royals in London the next day? I am told he was a good baseball player, and he played well off the field, too. What's his marriage got to do with the war against terror?"
"Cricket player," the Pakistan army chief corrected the American secretary of state. Some things you just can't let pass. "And he was no ordinary player off the field, sir." The chief's eyes were glowing with pride now.
"But he had always claimed he would settle down," the Pakistan army chief continued, "when his dream of a new Pakistan, one of peace, tranquillity and opportunity, had been realised. So if extremism is not on the wane, why would Imranbhai shed his machismo and playboy tag to settle for mundane domesticity? Is it not proof that Pakistan is becoming another boring country like India? Do you think Imran Khan will now have time or the edge for agitations against America when he has more pressing domestic concerns, like mowing the lawn and changing the curtains of his house? No, sir, the fact is his marriage has delivered a devastating psychological blow to extremist forces. It's the equivalent of, say, Fidel Castro saying communism was a big mistake, and taking up a job as a hedge-fund manager on Wall Street. Which I understand the Obama administration is also close to achieving."
"The general is right, sir. Imran was not just popular with the ladies but also the tribesmen of the Taliban. He has broken a lot of hearts," an aide whispered into Mr Kerry's ear.
"Hmmm … so you guys engineered this alliance?" the secretary asked.
The colour had returned to General Sharif's face. "Well, not for nothing is the ISI known to be the best spy agency in the world, sir."
"Well done, fellas. I didn't quite understand the line of reasoning but you guys seemed to have got the job done. I have no option but to issue a certificate of good conduct and here is the check of $250 million for services rendered in the previous quarter. But you guys need to keep up the momentum. We need more bang for the buck going forward."
"Of course, sir," said a pleased General Sharif said. "We go back a long way, after all. We will always remain a very special ally."
C S Krishna is the co-author of the 2014 political satire Unreal Elections