Guide to the bad sex award

Watchword

Could Bahal have covered the auto beat in his reporting career? All he gets for his purple prose is a box of cigars from Literary Review magazine. But the Awards ceremony is acknowledged to be among London's best literary parties, and other perks include a trip to London paid for by his publishers, to receive the prize, and lots of free publicity for his novel.

Literary Review founder and satirist Auberon Waugh created the Bad Sex in Fiction prize to be awarded annually to the novel that features the most "inept, embarrassing and unnecessary" sex scenes, and the award winning passages have been truly mesmerising.

Consider, for instance, this little gem that won the prize in 2000, "Shall I compare thee to a Sony Walkman, thou are more compact and more ... She is his own Toshiba, his dinky little JVC, his sweet Aiwa." Or this 1998 classic, "Meanwhile her ears were filled with the sound of a soft but frantic gasping and it was some time before she identified it as her own." But my favourite is this short and sweet 1996 winner: "Liz squeaked like wet rubber."

I believe that we have a wealth of talent in this country that could easily win this award, provided, of course, they get professional guidance.

Bahal's extensive use of motoring metaphors to describe sex suggests that writers in other fields too could use the same method. Here are a few examples of what can be achieved.

Business Reporter: "Scale, scale, there's value in scale", he gasped as he took in her impressive infrastructure. Ever since he had signed the letter of intent, thoughts of the merger had obsessed him. Would he be able to add another prize to his bulging M&A portfolio? He had done his due diligence, of course, but one can never tell what clinches a deal finally.

As he levered up to close the transaction, he cast a critical eye over non-core areas. "Plain vanilla" was the uncharitable thought that flitted across his mind, as he meticulously observed the pre-closure formalities. Revenue streams looked decidedly sticky. What he needed was a new technique, a deal-clincher. "Would you care to try out a reverse merger?" he asked.

The guys who write FII research: "There's no doubt about it "" you have superior momentum", she said as she watched him. "So many underperformers around these days, it's a real pleasure meeting a product portfolio which has so much upside. Oh, my," she squealed as visibility increased, "it's a multi-bagger."

The chap who writes the RBI reports: "Have you considered, my dear," he said, as he surveyed the yield curve and evaluated alternative intervention strategies, "that spreads are too narrow?" "Would you please put in place a risk-containment mechanism," she asked him, "before further topological exploration". "Don't worry about it," he soothed, "I've sterilised the liquidity." Afterwards, as he lay back smoking a cigarette, he reflected that it had certainly been better than a repo. He LAFed aloud.

Copywriter: She was cool, real cool, like Armani. Better than Prada, maybe even Yves St. Laurent. "Just do it", he said to himself, "Kar Lo Duniya Mutthi Mein." DKNY followed Issey Miyake, Jockey followed Victoria's Secret. Hugo Boss mingled with Chanel. "Yeh dil mange more", he muttered. "It's only human to want more," she whispered. But later on, as he cast his mind back over the evening's events, the thought that haunted him was "" had she cried out "Sunilbabu" or "Hoodibaba" during those closing moments?

Arundhati Roy: It was as if a dam had burst, the Narmada Dam to be precise, and a wall of fresh water cleansed her mind of that all-pervasive stench of stale armpit. She felt a tidal wave of joy, not only for herself but for the entire Third World, sweeping away the emaciated bodies, the poverty, the hunger, the disease, the nuclear bombs, and the genetically modified crops.

Editorial writer: We welcome this passionate denouement, considering it a leap in the right direction, heralding a new, more open chapter in our relationship.

Ravi Shankar Prasad, Minister of Information and Broadcasting (who wants to ban adult fare on TV): He untied his shoelaces XXXXX.

manas@business-standard.com