Hu said what, Wen and Hao

WATCHWORD

(This year's National People's Congress in China, held last week, saw the passage of a momentous new law aimed at enshrining the rights of private property in the Chinese Constitution, and an equally surprising one upholding human rights. How did these changes get passed by a party that calls itself Communist? We bring you below the inside story on how these amazing revolutionary amendments to the Constitution were made, and how, for the first time, in an attempt to keep abreast of globalisation, the Chinese leadership held an entire meeting in English. The occasional lapses into Mandarin have been translated into English.)

Present at the closed-door meeting were Hu Jintao, the Chinese President; Wen Jiabao, the Premier; Wu Bangguo, the Chairman of the Standing Committee of the National People's Congress (NPC); He Luli, vice- chairman; Hao Jianxiu, vice- chairman of the National Committee of the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference (CPPCC); Bai Lichen, vice-chairman, CPPCC; Yu Ping, director of Sociology at the Chongqing Academy of Social Sciences; Gai Ruyin, mayor of Daiqing city; Fung Kwok Wai, winner of the Hong Kong snooker championships; and Wee Chou Hou, independent consultant.

Wu opened the meeting by saying that reforms had gone far enough. The reformers want to protect the right to private property, he said, and next thing they'll do is want the capitalists back. He said we must stop these people. Wee Chou Hou said he didn't have the power to do so.

Wu said he didn't mean Wee, he meant we. Wen asked who he meant. Hu said no he didn't mean him. He Luli said he hadn't spoken at all. Hu said that when he said "he", he didn't refer to "he", as in "He luli". He Luli said "Oh".

Wu said Hu would have to take a decision. Gai said that's the most important question, "Who'll take that decision?" Wu said Hu would do it.

Gai said, "Yes, that's right, who?" Wu asked Gai, "wai yu so dum?" (Mandarin for Why are you so dumb?). Gai protested he hadn't said anything dumb. Wai asked Wu hotly, "Who are you calling dumb?" Wu said he hadn't called him dumb. Yu said Wu had insulted him. Wu said his remark was addressed to Gai.

Hao intervened, calling for peace and for Wu to get on with the meeting.

This time, Wu pointed to Hu, and asked him to stop the reformers. Hu squirmed uncomfortably, and tried to shift the decision to Premier Wen, requesting him, "Wen, you do it." Yu asked how he, a professor, could take a political decision of such importance. Wen said it wasn't important when they did it, so long as Hu started doing it.

Hu clarified that he hadn't meant "when", he meant "Wen". Wen asked why should he do it alone. "We should stop the reformers together," Wen said, and added hurriedly, "and by we I don't mean Wee." Hao said he was confused by that last bit. Wu said never mind. Hao asked, "When should we do it?"

Wen said that he had already said that they should stop the reformers together. "Why do I have to keep repeating myself?" he asked aggrievedly. Wai told Wen soothingly, "Since you ask me, I think you don't have to keep repeating yourself." Yu said he hadn't asked Wai anything at all.

At this Wen jumped up and said that if Wai said anything more, "I'll bang you." Wu Bangguo said "I'll Bangguo" made no sense, and that Wen should learn proper English. Yu rolled up his sleeves and dared Wen to try banging him. Wen clutched his head in exasperation.

Bai intervened and said the meeting needed to get on. Wu said that the reforms were like a speeding train that had to be stopped in its tracks. "Ai wei-li wei-li ang-lee," he said (English translation: I'm very very angry).

All you guys must help." Gai wondered why the entire Gai family alone should bear such a heavy responsibility. Yu wondered why he was being singled out. Wai said he didn't know. Wen said he hadn't meant Gais but guys.

At this point, Hu held up a hand and said, "Stop jabbering, we need to form a plan of action. But the question is, how?" Hao said he was all agog to hear what the question was. Hu gave up. Wen said he had had enough, and stood up, "See you guys. Bye," he said. Gai and Bai walked towards him inquiringly. "Let the damn reforms go through.

You si lee gais (Mandarin for silly guys) deserve capitalism," Wu fumed. And that is how private property and human rights became part of the Chinese Constitution. The Assembly also decided never to hold a meeting in English again.

manas@business-standard.com