Kishore Singh: Om Shanti Om

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going to be the mother of all clashes, but at home, as far as I am concerned, complete with a bloodbath "" and may the best man, or woman, win.

By a curious coincidence, my niece is getting married in Jaipur the same day as my wife's nephew is getting married, also in Jaipur. It would have been ideal if they had also been getting married to each other, but alas, no one looks to the convenience of these things. As a result, we have been having practice skirmishes in preparation for the big day when we will battle for who attends which of the nuptials.

"I know it is important for your father to attend the wedding of his brother's daughter," my wife told our daughter, "but he must also be in the baraat of my sister's son." "I know your mother would like to see her nephew getting married," I responded to my daughter, "but since the two venues are very far, I cannot be at both places, and neither can she." "So, fine," my wife snapped at my daughter, "I at least will attend my nephew's wedding." "And I," I shouted at the poor girl, "will attend my niece's pheras."

"Our son," my wife shook our daughter in her rage, "will go with me." "And you," I told my daughter, "must stay with me." "If you will both shout directly at each other," my daughter said to us, "I would like to go back to my studies now, or I won't be able to attend either wedding."

It didn't help that almost all the wedding functions duplicated themselves in both homes. "I suppose," I grudged my wife, "we could go and have a drink with your sister and her husband the day of the sangeet." "That's the day I wish to spend with your brother and his wife," said my wife, "because there is going to be a DJ, and I want to show those country hicks how we city people jive!"

There was to be a reception the next day. "You must attend my nephew's reception," my wife insisted, "even though I cannot promise I will be there for your niece's reception." "Oh, but I cannot come away from my niece's reception which is being thrown by her in-laws "" what will they think?" I implored her. "You are always taking the side of your family," my wife said in a familiar gripe. "And you, yours," I seconded her. "We'll just see how things go," my son said over the phone from Pune, "you should both stop fighting now."

"I must make some new clothes," my wife said to me, "to wear to my nephew's wedding." "I suppose that is all right," I agreed, "since you will also be able to wear them to some functions at my niece's." "That won't be necessary," she said, "I can wear any old thing there, who's to notice?"

Of course, it's still early days while we grapple with other issues of importance, such as what presents to give them, and whether our son, who will be home on vacation from college, should lend a hand with work at my niece's, or my wife's nephew's, and whether my daughter, who is to appear for exams right after, should attend one cousin's wedding and the other's reception, or vice versa "" and whether I will survive it all to tell the tale.