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Manas Chakravarty: A binge before breakfast

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Manas Chakravarty Mumbai
Last Updated : Jun 14 2013 | 3:47 PM IST
 
The first question you will ask, of course, is, "Why on earth wasn't this important bit of news carried in Business Standard?" The answer lies in the policy that all newspapers have of giving the reader news that he can use.
 
The TOI clearly believes that their arrack-guzzling, toddy-tippling, feni-swilling readership will use the news to queue up in front of their favourite haunts at 6 am in the morning.
 
On the other hand, sophisticated and refined BS readers, used to nothing less than scotch-on-the-rocks, will have absolutely no use for that kind of news. Which is why we didn't tell you about it.
 
On second thoughts, however, allowing the unwashed classes to start tippling at dawn does open up interesting possibilities, even for the classy BS reader.
 
Consider, for instance, the rationale for the move. The TOI quotes a state government official as saying "Thousands of civic workers used to patronise hooch joints before they started doing their work like sweeping streets, carting away garbage ... Now that the sale of illicit liquor has been stopped completely, they are finding it difficult to perform their tasks."
 
It's unclear whether the official was sober, but the idea seems to be that a few pegs down the hatch will boost the performance of municipal workers, thereby enhancing the city's productivity, which in turn increases the country's GDP, enabling us to become a Great, albeit slightly inebriated, Power.
 
The second reason for opening the country liquor shops so early is that they are a handy source of revenue for a cash-strapped government.
 
The extra revenue earned by selling more toddy will be ploughed back by the government into opening more country liquor bars, which will yield even greater profits and so on.
 
In classical economics, this is known as the multiplier effect.
 
It would be a travesty of justice, of course, if this excellent move is limited to dens selling country liquor.
 
Surely those of us who prefer whisky or rum or even beer should not be discriminated against? Don't we have a constitutional provision somewhere that all tipplers are created equal?
 
If municipal workers need a few pegs before they can handle the garbage, surely those who work in offices can do with a couple of stiff ones before facing their customers or their bosses or their more obnoxious colleagues? Simply put, if country liquor shops are to open at 6 am, then so should bars selling IMFL.
 
In fact, the revenue argument becomes even more potent here, since the government gets far more per bottle of IMFL than from a bottle of feni.
 
What's more, think of the efficiency gains involved. Going to work will no longer be a chore, but eager employees will get up early, in time to drop in at the pub on their way to work.
 
Those Monday morning blues will be a thing of the past, and customers at every office will be greeted by cheerful employees, perhaps a bit unstable and glassy-eyed, but nevertheless extremely friendly.
 
Morale at the office will never be low again.
 
There is another important reason for insisting that bars open in the morning. While jiving at your favourite hotspots, have you spared a thought for those poor guys working nights at call centres?
 
When they crawl out of their offices in the cold grey dawn, they find no bars to soothe the hurt and pain of the long nights spent listening to awful American accents.
 
Are call centre workers a lesser breed than civic employees? Surely, after a hard night's work, they are entitled to their whisky sours and tequilas?
 
There is, however, one minor problem. Moralists never tire of pointing out the ill effects of excessive alcohol, and they never stop talking about cirrhosis of the liver.
 
What these guys fail to recognise is that the booze is not to blame""it's the peanuts and other snacks you consume with the liquor that harm you.
 
Those peanuts can be lethal. The solution: keep the bars open all day and all night, but ban peanuts.

manas@business-standard.com

 
 

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Disclaimer: These are personal views of the writer. They do not necessarily reflect the opinion of www.business-standard.com or the Business Standard newspaper

First Published: Feb 05 2005 | 12:00 AM IST

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