| We give below the minutes of a board meeting of another bank which has decided to have several movie stars on its board.) |
| The chairman extended a warm welcome to the stars who had so kindly joined the bank's board as independent directors. The company secretary read out the meeting's agenda. |
| The chairman told the board that they needed to cut flab. At that, the Very Big Hero of yesteryear took a hard look at the chairman's paunch and recommended a gym near Churchgate. |
| A Gushing Young Starlet asked whether he had considered Vandana Luthra. Somebody suggested liposuction. The company secretary hastily clarified that they were talking about the VRS programme, where they would have to shed unproductive employees. |
| The Actress with a Social Conscience looked pointedly at Gushing Young Starlet before saying that shedding people was as easy as shedding clothes these days. Macho Man smirked, glad of an excuse to take off his shirt. |
| The finance director said that the company's profit could be lower in the current year, unless remedial steps were immediately taken. Ageing Diva, while petting her Chihuahua, suggested they improve the vaastu of the board. |
| Gushing Young Thing preferred feng shui. Very Big Hero said that the employees could wear power rings to ward off evil influences. Macho Man was all in favour of changing the bank's name to AAA Bank. |
| At that moment, in walked Sexy Siren trailing clouds of Chanel. She said she was sorry she was late, but the flight from Cannes had just arrived. Ageing Diva said she never liked Cannes, and only went for the Oscars. |
| The chairman asked the finance director to tell them about the figures. The finance director muttered something about there being different kinds of figures, his eyes fixed on Sexy Siren, before flinging aside the balance sheet. |
| The company secretary said he was worried about the sagging bottom line. Ageing Diva suggested botox, while Sexy Siren cooed that she knew just the right doctor who had a fail-safe butt-enhancing technique. No, no, squirmed the company secretary, he was talking about increasing the bank's profit. |
| Macho Man suggested they rob the competing banks, and they could use blind men like Amitabh Bachchan in "Ankhen". Social Conscience suggested they could forge a few cheques like Leonardo Di Caprio in "Catch me if you can". |
| Very Big Hero suggested robbing a casino, like in "Ocean's Eleven" or selling the Taj Mahal, as in "Bunty and Babli". Sexy Siren graciously offered to do a few item numbers to raise money. The finance director wanted to see a preview. |
| Ageing Diva said that the bank should be above these mundane things, and offered to teach the chairman yoga. Macho Man offered them all some cocaine. |
| The Very Big Star asked the chairman, sotto voce, whether he could tell him where he had hidden the camera, so that he could present his best profile to it. The chairman said there weren't any cameras, hidden or otherwise. |
| Stunned silence ensued, followed by shrieks of "No cameras, oh my god, why are we wasting our time?", "These guys are such Neanderthals", and angry shouts of "No press, no show". The independent directors then rushed for the exits, the Diva followed by her chihuahua and the Sexy Siren followed by the finance director. |
| After that, the chairman clutched his head in his hands and groaned. "Maybe we shouldn't have taken all these stars on the board," he moaned. |
| The company secretary chewed his lip. "Look at it this way", he said, "There's an ex-RBI governor who sat and twiddled his thumbs on the Reliance board when all those strange things happened in the group. |
| I would any day prefer an ex-Miss World sitting and looking pretty on the board to an ex-RBI governor." The chairman looked unconvinced. "Consider the United Nations," persisted the company secretary, "They don't send doctors or sanitary inspectors or earnest NGOs in thick spectacles and beards to visit their refugee camps. No sir, they pick Angelina Jolie." |
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