No more air kissing

Is it only me, or has anyone else noted that social kissing seems to have been consigned to the dustbin of history? It seems just the other day we would mwah!-mwah! our way through parties, and everyone from acquaintances to strangers was fair game — but no one offers you their cheek for an aerial peck any more. Having checked with hostesses who should know, I’m informed that it was the gauche arrivistes who sounded its death knell. Not knowing its proper etiquette, they ended up landing full-blown smackeroos when the whole point was to ensure that nobody’s faces actually touched. Can you imagine what it did to the makeup of your spouse, or partner, having to literally rub cheeks with dozens of guests?

There had to be a downside to all that social kissing, not least of which was to do with oral hygiene. More people from the upper echelons of society than you might imagine have bad breath and —  worse — body odour. But social etiquette demands you not recoil in horror, leading to an uneasy awkwardness when a periodontal-infected associate should lunge at your face, causing you to either asphyxiate by holding your breath, or draw in odours pungent enough to knock you out anyway. No wonder air kissing has come to be referred to as death-by-breath.

Nor was there any saving grace in learning first-hand what your air-kisser had been imbibing before you got into a clinch. There is nothing as offensive as the smell of wine (red is particularly unpleasant), or coffee, the meaty stench of half-masticated kebabs (worse if they’ve been accompanied by onions), or blue cheese, being blown full gale into your face. Most Indians are indiscriminate about what they put into their mouths, and to have it susurrate in the proximity of your nose isn’t the best beginning to an evening out. How many social climbers in New Delhi even know that when you peck at a cheek you must draw in your breath, not blow it out?

The perfunctory air-kiss has now been replaced by a half-hug, as awkward a gesture as any. Close friends and family get the full hug a la Modi, but acquaintances are met with an untidy greeting that looks as though adversaries are aligning their shoulders to run a race, or in preparation for a dance, while holding each other’s hands, or waists, behind their backs, which looks and feels — stupid? Standing thus parallely, instead of facing each other, may be great for avoiding bad-breath boo-boos, but hardly the ideal way to conduct a conversation.

New Delhi, or even India, isn’t the only place where the correct way to greet a person is under discussion. The international handshake is increasingly under attack with people prone to wondering where the hand in question might have been before it gripped yours. There is an increasing fear of germs being exchanged through the handclasp, something millennials are particularly loath to do. Pass on the flu, or cold, or other creepy-crawly viruses? The handshake might offer a photo-op for world leaders, but increasingly they’re adopting the Indian namaste on global platforms — only, it’s still rude not to take the proffered palm. But is the handshake on its way out? I’d tell you, only I’m reeling from radish breath over my face.