Present tense

PEOPLE LIKE US

Because my wife and I had been squabbling around Diwali, our kids had pooled in their collective profits from the mela stalls they had run, to buy us gifts they hoped would end the war of words.

All it succeeded in was focusing our collective wrath on them. "What made you think we require jeans?" I asked my son, for they had blown up their considerable fortune on a matched pair for us.

"Because all yours are so old, er, fashioned," he stuttered. "I'm not taking charity from you two," my wife said. "It's a gift," wailed my daughter, "from money we earned."

I examined the jeans. "I can't wear these," I said, "they're not even a decent brand." "I thought you didn't support brands," my son pointed out. "I may not like you dressing from top to toe in branded apparel, but even I have my standards," I said reasonably, "and these are certainly not me."

As a compromise it was decided the kids would return the jeans to the store and we would use the IOU to buy something of our choice. Time went by, and my wife and I forgot about the presents, though our children would periodically jog our memory about their money lying locked up in the shop.

"It's our hard-earned money," my son would remind me, "that you're being callous about." "I love you both dearly," I said one day, "but I don't think the money's enough for both your mum and I to buy ourselves something nice." "I think," shuddered my wife, "your father should use the money to get something for himself, since I'm not likely to shop at a neighbourhood store."

Even so decided, the weeks flew by till, one day, my son handed me a pair of jeans he'd outgrown. "Why don't you take these," he said generously, "while I buy myself a new pair from the money the store owes us?" "I'm not sure I'm interested in this pair," I said looking at the frayed bottoms, "but I think it would be nice if you did buy yourself something new with my compliments."

So it was my son trotted home with a new pair of jeans for himself, while I hoped peace would finally prevail. But I hadn't taken my daughter into account. "How insensitive of you," she fumed at me, "to let my brother buy something for himself from money that he and I had both pooled in."

Looked at fairly, I reasoned that it was indeed inconsiderate of me to let my son buy himself a present, and not my daughter, and so sanctioned her an equal amount to spend at will.

Nor did the matter rest there. "I know you're being magnanimous," my wife said, "but the children had pooled in their own money to buy us presents, so the least you can do is replace what they had bought for me with something of my own choice." "That's seems fair," I said, even though I could sense I was being had.

"Naturally," said my wife, "since you have decided to be generous with the money you've spent on your children, I cannot be fobbed off with the equivalent of their pooled resources, so you musn't grudge me if I spend more."

If I thought everyone would now be satisfied, I hadn't accounted for my son. "If my sister and mother are being given presents, I should be given one too," he protested. "But you were the first to buy yourself a present," I pointed out.