So lovely to be able to hate the British state, but live off its welfare.
My friend Dilip, who has taught in a small London college for nearly 30 years, heartily endorses every word about Britain’s broken-down economy that is uttered in the pre-election debates. “This is a threadbare country with a bankrupt exchequer,” he said on my last visit. “One of these days, it will go bust. That’ll teach them a lesson.” Dilip is packing his bags to return to India.
He exploded scornfully when I asked if he had British nationality. “You must be joking. Become a citizen of a played-out, third-rate, little island off the European coast tied to America’s boot-strings?” He is proud of his Indian passport but would be prouder if India stood up to the West. Asoka ruled Afghanistan; so did Ranjit Singh. How dare Barack Obama franchise an Indian province to Pakistan!
“The British are colonial exploiters,” he repeated. “Now that we’ve kicked them out, they’re exploiting these Balkan refugees who slave away for a pittance.” Iraq and Afghanistan also sicken him. Not only are the wars imperialistic but they represent imperialism at second hand. If Tony Blair was George W Bush’s poodle, Gordon Brown is Obama’s sheepdog. David Cameron and Nick Clegg are no better. No one with self-respect can live in Britain.
But what about his college? Oh, he said, he had reached superannuation age and will retire this year. Then, the somewhat tactless admission, “The buggers didn’t even have sense enough to give me an extension. I don’t want to have anything more to do with them!” What about the privatised two-room council flat that Margaret Thatcher’s government let him buy cheap to live in? Would he sell that? “Of course not.” Dilip had already found a tenant, an Indian businessman, who would pay a good rent and pass off as family. No question of paying income tax.
Dilip chuckled at my naivete for suggesting that converted into rupees, the rent would mean a comfortable income in India. “I’ll do no such thing,” he announced. “My state pension will be quite enough to live on there.” State pension? Did he mean the college’s retirement benefits? No, that’s quite separate. He meant the old-age pension Britain gives everybody. There was another chuckle when I inquired if he didn’t have to be a British subject for that. “How did Nirad Chaudhuri get it?” he retorted.
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Apparently, on his 60th or 65th (I forget which) birthday, Dilip received an automatic pension notice. He had been drawing the money every week since then. How much? He was cagey. “Not much, they’re mean buggers here, y’know.” He dismissed the subject airily.
There’s no means test either. Even Sir Mick Jagger was a pensioner. I remembered reading many years ago that Field Marshal Viscount Montgomery of Alamein had climbed into his chauffeur-driven Rolls and been driven to the pensions office to claim his due.
We were chatting in Dilip’s flat but he proposed moving to a pub. Not the one down the road but a pleasanter hostelry by the river a short bus ride away. I had my season ticket but Dilip tapped the meter with a little red plastic folder. What’s that? I demanded. “Freedom Pass” was the terse answer. The local borough issues it to anyone over 60 or 65 — again, I forget the qualifying age — for unlimited travel by bus or underground without paying a penny. There are overland railway concessions too.
I wondered how much Dilip saved on travel. He didn’t know and didn’t care but I ferreted out that more than 10 million oldies gad about on Freedom Passes. As for pension, in 2005-06, the state paid a single man about £90 a week and £140 to a couple. Add free health care, travel and other benefits, and it totted up to £260 for men and £230 for women. That was five years ago. They get more now plus a £200 fuel allowance at Christmas. Once Dilip got another £250. When he inquired why it wasn’t repeated the following year, the welfare office explained it was a one-off bonus. “How stingy can you get!” Dilip snorted.
He’s glad to shake British dust off his feet while Alistair Darling, George Osborne and Vince Cable argue about banks, bankruptcy and budgets. His college pension and rent will accumulate there. But he’s bringing with him his state pension, fuel allowance and other cash gifts. He must forgo benefits in kind like medicare and free travel which are only for residents in Britain. As Dilip says, they’re a mean lot.