So, as everybody who has a pulse knows, the Italian marines were being detained in India, apparently in complete comfort at the Embassy, until someone figures out what to do about their killing of two Keralite fishermen. The marines were allowed to go home for Christmas provided they returned in January, which makes you wonder whether India might not be taking the whole human rights thing beyond the call of duty. Be that as it may, they returned as instructed. They were then allowed to go home again to vote - on the Italian ambassador's assurance that they would return - because … well, one assumes because it takes four weeks to vote, and they don't like using the postal ballot and the Supreme Court didn't want to upset them? At which point Italy announced that their boys weren't coming back.
Whatever the details, the bottom line is that a foreign government has mooned us - a foreign government at least partially composed of comedians. But what does it take for a foreign government at least partially composed of comedians to calculate that it can get away with breaking its promises, also known as lying to the Indian Supreme Court, also known as telling India, gigantic country with notoriously delicate emotions, exactly where it can put what?
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One imagines a Jack Bauer type (with an Italian accent) in a small discreet office even darker than CTU (off a nice cobblestoned Italian piazza), filled with a sudden, hot rush of recklessness, proposing a crazy idea to men who remind you of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (but dressed a lot better). Why the hell not, they say to each other, eyes shining with the insane daring that comes after sleepless nights spent banging your head against an intractable problem. Think out of the box. Let's do this diplomatic heist, they decide, smashing their fists down on the office table, just because it's beautiful, and damn the consequences.
One imagines this because, stripped of all the tedious legality and all the sonorous diplomacy, this whole episode has a whiff of the movies, somewhere between Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down and Argo. No doubt the Italian government is doing this because it believes it's on firm legal ground, as it keeps saying. How getting your Ambassador to lie to the Supreme Court can be firm legal ground is beyond me, but that Italy should even consider kicking sand in our face, let alone go ahead and actually follow through - well, you have to admire the pizzazz.
The question is, how will India respond? What we've done so far is prevent the Italian ambassador from leaving (though perhaps we only made him promise and will allow him to go home for Easter). If we're still going by the movies, though, there ought to now be a loud clash of cymbals and the hero - that's us - should gather a lot of moustachioed friends, and everyone should stand on souped-up SUVs and do a fast-paced group dance. Oh wait, wrong genre of movie.
In the better movies, we would respond with something epic, like, as a friend suggested, prevent all Italians in India from leaving the country, not just Ambassador Mancini. Detain the lot. Italy would then reciprocate by preventing all the Indians in Italy from leaving - and we would therefore win, because, as the same friend pointed out, any Indian would be thrilled to have to remain in Italy.
Alternatively, we could restrain only their diplomats, and they could restrain ours, and the Geneva Convention could be flushed down the nearest commode. This movie would probably end in a war, which is never a desired outcome.
No, we need to find a strong but reasonable way out of this little plot impasse. It's our turn to say our lines, and we need a good scriptwriter in the government. Unfortunately, given the way that things generally play out in India, and the general impression we give off of being able to throw tantrums but not actually do very much else, the movie we end up making will very possibly end up looking like something starring Latorre, Girone, and the Keystone Kops.