How the UP FDA, Modi govt are making me healthier by banning Maggi noodles

It is only after the lead in my veins has settled down, have I caught on to the govt's plan

So it’s detergent in milk now! Mother Dairy is the latest brand to have landed in the cross-hairs of the UP FDA, which is single-handedly responsible for us not having time to remember the Army, Mr Parrikar.

It is also single-handedly responsible for making me quit coffee – can’t have detergent-based drinks, can I? (Though I wonder what they taste like)

The UP FDA has been working diligently as a silent crusader, toppling the dominos and bringing me to my knees. It has made my mother destroy my Maggi stash and take me to a clinic. But I think this was more because she was affronted by a BJP MLA saying she has been feeding me lead all these years. Of course, protests from my side that I am alive and well did nothing to assuage her fears.  

With the FSSAI joining the act, more products are banned in the house now. I have gone from indignation to amusement to finally at peace with the fact that I will get no brand of noodles in my house, when I need it the most. The lead in my veins has also settled down. But a new kind of fear is cropping up: what if she picks up a packet of Patanjali noodles when they are launched? Can you imagine the kind of rumblings they will leave in your stomach? No wonder the Prime Minister is spearheading the yoga day preparations.

Honestly, when I re-took the age-old resolution of losing weight on 1 January, little did I think the entire Modi administration would come out to help me.

When the Maharashtra administration banned beef, I was just as affronted as my mother. How could do they do something like this? Beef! I mean, c’mon, I’m talking about finger-lickin goodness here! The kind that makes you believe in a higher order in the first place. Of course, all my devout thoughts petered away when I realised I wasn’t being fed beef anyway.

But I still didn’t get the underlying thought. The government has not only promised Acche Din, but is working on it systematically. Let’s go through the facts. No beef = less cholesterol.

What next?

The egg ban in Madhya Pradesh. Of course, this was for kids in the mid-day meal programme. But I don’t think the truth is what is being touted, it isn’t banned for religious reasons, it’s so kids don’t become addicted to eggs. You only have to meet my colleague to attest to this. Also, egg yolk has high cholesterol.

Alcohol? You know it’s bad for you. You know you don’t want to end up on the other side of the divider with your name in the papers. Especially when you know you are no Salman Khan.

Of course, the proposed alcohol ban, which reports suggest has come right from the RSS, is also about the delicate act of governance. See, the more you drink, the fewer there are police officers available to provide Z+ security to the RSS chief. And it isn’t like policemen with 56-inch chests are readily available.

But coming back to me, with no noodles, coffee, or pasta, I think the government is just as concerned about me as my boss who yells cholesterol when I open a packet of potato chips. Hang on, are they going to ban chips, too?

p.s.: Dear UP FDA, potato chips are absolutely fine, other than the fact that someone manages to remove half of them from every packet!

p.p.s.: I think I am finally ready to lose that unwanted weight! International Yoga Day, here I come!

p.p.p.s.: I have just learnt that Starbucks has withdrawn some flavours after FSSAI rejection. Now, that’s just making it personal! I am calling a Samajwadi MLA right now...