Weight-gain meal plans

Now that it seems one will be working for the foreseeable future from home, I could no longer ignore the unfortunate fact that a good deal of my wardrobe and I would be parting company unless I did something about my recently acquired weight. Mostly, I’d been having that little extra at mealtimes because no one else was willing to risk my wife’s experiments with cooking, so it fell to me to keep her in good humour at the risk of both taste and girth. The more food I ate, the more my wife cooked. Mostly, though, it came from keeping cookies and other treats in the study drawer for the dog that I ended up eating from sheer boredom during interminable office video chats. 

Something similar must have been occurring with other family members who all announced going on different diets this week. On Monday, I decided to join my daughter-in law’s regimen — but she skips breakfast, which is the meal I like the most. Fortunately, it lent itself to a simple solution. I had an early breakfast alone so that both of us could skip breakfast together. Because fasting is difficult business, I had a mid-morning meal to satiate my cravings so that I wouldn’t eat too much for lunch. Which meant I managed to snack before tea, during tea and after tea, finishing just in time for dinner. Gain from the diet: One kilo of weight added.

On Tuesday, I joined my daughter’s plan which seemed to consist entirely of broken wheat cereals — for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I didn’t mind that much, though it reminded me of dog food, but her insistence on brisk walking proved my undoing. My muscles ached, my clothes were soaked with sweat, and I could hardly stand for feeling weak. The remedy? An immediate infusion of sugar. Fortunately, the fridge was full of semi-consumed portions of dessert. Gain from the diet: Two inches around the waist.

On Wednesday, I decided to take up with my son who had begun exercising at the gym in his office. I could do without the exercise, but he seemed to know a thing or two about calorie intakes, so I asked him to double all portions so we could split them evenly. It didn’t feel like we were having any meals at all though there seemed to be a lot to ingest every other hour: banana smoothies, the whites of six boiled eggs, grilled fish, blanched chicken, steamed veggies, fruits and nuts, milk, yoghurt, boiled lentils, another smoothie, puffed rice, some more nuts… Gain from the diet: Two kilos, though I must have lost 500 grams throwing up at midnight.

On Thursday, I decided I’d abstain from the family’s nutrition programme and opted for our farm caretaker’s dietary intake. Butter, thickened milk, lassi with cream, rotis with ghee — you get the idea. Gain from the diet: A revulsion of dairy products that should yield long-term benefits.

On Friday, I told my wife I’d keep her company instead, which was a good thing because she ate my toast for breakfast, the dog’s biscuits from the study table, my portion of dessert after lunch, my teatime snack, and opted for dinner early without leaving behind any for me. Gain from the diet: Two kilos on my wife.