What Citizen Pranab Mukherjee said, and didn't say, at the RSS headquarters

Mitali Saran has a go at decoding the former President's thought at Hindutva's bastion

I rarely watch television news anymore, because it makes my brain try to eat itself. But I made an exception to watch ex-President Pranab Mukherjee at the RSS headquarters, trying not to fall asleep during the worst parade and drill ever put up in independent India. 

No offence, I’m just kidding! He was actually wide awake. 

People are wondering what Mr Mukherjee, a staunch Congressman, was doing playing footsie with the RSS. What was he thinking? Well, you know how the Prime Minister’s translator recently ‘translated’ a paragraph that the Prime Minister had not actually said, during a question and answer session in Singapore? I’m also going to translate things that Citizen Mukherjee didn’t actually say, but hopefully less embarrassingly. Here goes:

Dear god, do these people really claim they can mobilise for war in three days? They can’t stand in a straight line, can’t march for nuts, and that chap with the whistle would have to go with them. Having yourself broadcast all over India for free, thanks to me, is a double-edged sword. As per RSS preferences there was no national flag or anthem which, to be honest, is a bit of a relief after my last job. I didn’t do the weird salute with everyone else, but my daughter says the visuals will be morphed to spread lies. Well, at least they’ve given up the spread shorts! Small mercies.

I’m glad I came to Nagpur, foxing everyone. The Congress is sweating bullets. They didn’t make me Prime Minister when they should have, but I’m going to show them that an ex-Every Other Kind of Minister with a brain the size of a galaxy can be larger than his grudges. The RSS is also sweating bullets, dying to be accepted and respected by the secular intellectuals they can’t stand. So needy.
 

I have written a nice thing about Hedgewar in the visitors’ book. This will incense one lot, and flatter the other, so much that neither will be able to see straight. While everyone reels about slapping their own heads, I will ensure that, in the most tense pre-election year since forever, everyone is only talking about me—and I’m retired! I am very wily.

I have the highest post in the land on my resume, but I can’t choose my own entertainment. They are plying me with poetry and song and speeches. I’ve checked what looks to viewers like my programme sheet, twice already.

Bhagwat’s speech has been going for ages! Mine is shorter—but to be fair, it takes more time to speak with a forked tongue. We like pluralism, but etc. We are all Indians, but etc.

Okay, I’m up. Oops—I just said “Ladies and gentlemen” out of habit, before I remembered that this is the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sausagefest. Next go I’ll just make it ‘Dear guests’.

First, a history lesson, since that’s not their strong point. A lesson in pluralism being the soul of India and erstwhile ‘invaders’ now being inextricably part of our syncretic culture. Also a lesson in how patriotism flows from the Constitution. A lesson in civility and non-violence, and the dangers of mistrust and fear. A call to youngsters to work for harmony and peace.

In other words I’ve marched into the lion’s den, smacked the lion on the bottom, and sent it to stand in the corner with a bucket over its head—while forcing it to admire me hugely in order to milk my presence. I’ve also rattled the rafters of my political home, defying an unspoken rule, yet sticking to its politics.  

When everyone is part-happy, part-mad at you, you’ve either screwed up, or nailed it. 

I’m really very wily.

Mitali Saran is a Delhi-based writer 

mitali.saran@gmail.com