I wanted to go ghost-hunting. So, I surfed the internet and found out all about ghost-hunting mobile apps. I settled on Ghost Hunter M2, the Rolls-Royce of ghost-hunting apps. It costs Rs 60 on the App Store and has everything: audio and video analysers, a special camera and a range of sensors. But its interface drives you mad, with its many buttons and radars.
I then messaged my friends through Twitter to come ghost-hunting. Four guys showed up to look around my neighbourhood for ghosts. We, an internet group, pledged that day to put our lives at risk, to get in the face of ghosts who didn't know why they were hanging out, for eternity, in the exact same spot where they had died.
The eminent ones among us were a fatty and a drunk. Mr Drunk had read on internet that drunkenness increased chances of being possessed by a ghost. And he wanted that experience. As for the fatty, he was just addicted to burgers, the internet and ghosts, in that order. We called him Bubba.
That day, our first scares came from reading the manual of Ghost Hunter M2. For example, the Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP) instrument presents words from ghosts, based on an "advanced and proprietary computational phonetic pattern detection algorithm". And the Phonetic EVP (P-EVP) facilitates phonetic pattern analysis through "a proprietary phonetic identification algorithm". Furthermore, the Fast Fourier Transform Visualiser analyses complex audio signals through the "acoustic to electric transducer system". The features were described in such detail that you needed a PhD to understand just what they did.
Nevertheless, Bubba started the P-EVP feature, through which ghosts could speak sentences. We got startled when a spooky monotone voice shouted "the boy". The fat danced on Bubba as he shivered. Out of concern, we downgraded to the EVP feature, which limited the ghost to speak only one word at a time. A collection of words came up over a period, which painted a very specific picture of the ghost. The words were: cancer, died, beautiful, Laura. "The building is haunted by Laura, a beautiful woman who had died of cancer," Bubba shouted in excitement. That's when the ghost gave him a "cosmic slap" across his face. All attention went to Bubba, who said he had felt the smack. Theories started to fly that he had provoked the ghost by decoding her message.
We had brought Bubba along because he called himself a tech expert, but I thought he was really this fat guy whom we could use as a ghost bait. All that fat would protect him, and us, when the ghost attacked. So, we tied him up like a damsel in distress and he started shouting "Laura, Laura" in a thick accent. That's when the chowkidar came rushing to ask if everything was okay. "I heard someone abusing," he said. We told him that he had misheard Laura as a Hindi curse because of Bubba's thick accent. The chowkidar went back half-convinced.
A blog had said that chubby men attracted ghosts. But, with Laura not showing up, Bubba's childhood dream of charming a ghost looked crushed. So, we turned on the EVP tool of the app again. Everyone started asking questions.
Laura, do you have blue eyes?
Can you taste food?
Would you like to click a selfie with me?
Suddenly, the app made a thunder sound, in response to the selfie question from Bubba. Excited, he got out his phone and pouted severely at it, eyes closed, anticipating.
The mood heightened, partly because of the pout. But if I were a ghost, I would have chosen to die again. However, Laura must have taken a fancy to Bubba's fat baby lips and round face because, right then, a second thunder came through. We gasped. Ghost Hunter M2 was alive, all needles jumping. Just then, Mr Drunk charged at Bubba, snatched his phone, and smashed it to the ground. The drunk man found himself confronted by the hulking Bubba. Mr Drunk protested, saying he had been possessed by Laura at that time. Except Bubba, we were all impressed with the man's ability to get drunk and possessed. The ghost-hunt had ended.
Interactions on social media are limited to the living. Ghost media, such as ghost-hunting apps, can help you interact with the dead. Trust me, chatty spirits offer better company.
ashish.sharma@bsmail.in
