Exchanges between cricketers and journalists seem to follow a template, a boring one at that.
It is proof of how insipid press conferences on the cricket circuit are that everyone latches on to slips of tongue and takes factual statements to their illogical conclusion. And so it is that the big news of the week to match the first double century in one-day internationals was Australia Coach Tim Nielsen mixing up the words success and sex upon the team’s arrival in New Zealand.
“We haven’t had a lot of sex, um, success over here,” the 42-year-old said, referring to Australia’s previous showings in the country. Of course, no one was going to pay any heed to his request at the end of the press conference to “wipe the sex bit, I don't really want the wife hearing that”.
Not even Michael Clarke, vice-captain of the team. When questioned about the strategy to deal with New Zealand fast bowler Shane Bond, always a scourge for Australia, Clarke said: “We’ll have a good look at footage of bondage... ahmm, Bondy.” As chuckles rose in the hall, he grinned: “Geez I feel like the coach, what’s going on.”
While one wonders whether Clarke’s slip was really inadvertent, it was no doubt a welcome relief. Otherwise, exchanges between cricketers and journalists seem to follow a template, a boring one at that. The journalists ask the same questions and the players give the same answers. So bowlers will talk about “bowling in the right areas”, batsmen about “watching the ball” and “taking it over by over” in ODIs, or “session by session” in Tests, and up and coming stars will talk about “taking it one day at a time” and “keeping the eyes firmly on the ball”.
During the post-match chats, every game is a “good game”. After a close contest, “cricket is the winner”. And an angry outburst is often that things are “just not cricket”. One still gets the shivers thinking of former India captain Mohammed Azharuddin telling the cameras after yet another overseas loss how well “the boys” played, except that they batted, bowled and fielded badly.
It is no wonder then that Sehwag is a big draw. In keeping with his approach to the game, embodied in the rumoured advice of “watch ball, hit ball” to Brendom McCullum, Sehwag speaks like he sees it. “Bangladesh are an ordinary side. They can’t beat India because they can’t take 20 wickets.” That is how he kicked off the last tour. It created quite a sensation, though everyone knew it was true, and whatever doubts remained were dispelled over the two Tests that followed.
Things are such that one longs for the re-entry of someone like David Gower. The left handed batsman, whose batting appeared to alternate between the graceful and the lazy, was once being grilled during a particularly unsuccessful patch as England captain. In the midst of the press conference, he got up, said he had had enough, and that he was leaving because he had tickets to the theatre.
