How to be an NCERT textbook writer

Speaking Volumes

In the bad old days when the Hindutva rightwing hadn't yet come to power in India, there was only one way to be a textbook writer. You had to go to university, specialise in some unbelievably dreary subject, and regurgitate your vision of world or Indian history in careful, crisp but never especially interesting prose.

Back in that time, there was a clear division between facts and conclusions. Textbook writers, unimaginable as it may seem, were allowed only to ring changes on the conclusions, but not to mess with the facts.

This means that even a rabid follower of Mao and Stalin would have to admit, having admired the firm grasp of both men on the reins of government, that many, many good citizens in both countries were unfortunately killed by the personal order of both men.

Textbook writers were free to speculate on the issue of whether purges were a good thing or a bad thing, but they had an obligation to mention the niggling little fact that purges and massacres had a tendency to happen around dictators.

Now, however, we live in a brave new world where these old rules (so fussy! So unnecessary!) no longer apply. But the media, which plays the same role as the interfering wicked witch when it's the English language media we're talking about, seems to have planted the pernicious idea in the public's mind that today's textbooks are far worse than their predecessors.

Understandably, this has caused some confusion in the ranks of aspiring textbook writers. For their edification, then, and in the public interest, we offer this handy guide: the Seven Commandments of Textbook Writing in Modern India.

Number One: Thou shalt always remember that India, that is Bharat, is a Land of Milk and Honey with a Great and Glorious Past. Thou shalt not necessarily mention, even in footnotes, that this great and glorious past may have been documented more in the pages of myth than in the annals of history. Or that it included things that all countries should have, only we got there first, like a repressive caste system, and laws passed down by some misogynist sage that treat women like cattle, only worse.

Number Two: Thou shalt as a corollary take on faith everything that is set down in our Great and Glorious ancient Hindu epics. Therefore every child must know these things to be true "" that India is where we invented everything (except for the French fried potato, and the thong bikini. Or did we invent the thong bikini as well? A closer look at those statues in Khajuraho should settle the issue). Therefore it shall be an article of faith that we had flying machines long before Wilbur and Orville Wright.

Number Three: Thou shalt, in a battle between Ancient Wisdom and Modern Science, always remember that our elders knew best. Who needs the Hubble telescope and pernicious nonsense about the earth going round the sun when we have the marvels of Vedic astrology instead? Why bother creating medical colleges where the doctors will only kill off half their patients anyway when Ayurveda has the answers to everything? Why allow something as disrespectfully modern and as threatening of our great and glorious civilisation as Women and Gender Studies to exist when you can, instead, have Centres for Women and Family Studies?

Number Four: Thou shalt remember that grammar is a creaky relic of our inglorious colonial days and that to pay too much attention to it is tantamount to being lackeys of the West. Therefore, if there are complaints from the media that the current textbooks contain grammatical and spelling errors in every second line, break out the champagne oops sorry soma-ras.

Grammatically correct English is an evil foreign import, just like Kentucky Fried Chicken. No self-respecting Indian would speak anything but Call Centre English, and to be ungrammatical in a textbook is not a sign of ignorance, but a breathtakingly daring act of insurgence in this new Swadeshi movement.

Number Five: Thou shalt borrow freely from the US, not the UK, because the Brits, not the Americans, ruled us, so it's fine to whack from Yank textbooks. And when the Indian Express exposes your fraud, remind everyone that plagiarism is a terrible, post-colonial, typically oppressive western term.

Let people know that the West may seek to copyright neem and basmati, but they cannot prevent us from plundering paragraphs and entire chapters from their textbooks in an act of Third World rebellion. Copyright is wrong. In Ancient India, wisdom was passed down from guru to shishya to be used freely, and never mind all that nonsense about the priests trying to keep hoards of knowledge secret.

Number Six: Thou shalt when called to account by angry US professors for the above promptly take refuge in Vedic mathematics. According to ordinary Occidental math, it may seem that the writers of the Class XII textbook on World History have plagiarised at least six entire paragraphs and three or four chapters wholesale.

Ordinary Occidental math, however, is a flawed system. When the NCERT chairman J S Rajput very properly scrutinises the offending sections employing Vedic Mathematics, he is able to tell Shri L K Advani that only three lines appear to have been similar. Hmmm. Half a textbook plagiarised versus just three piddly little lines. See the amazing power of Vedic Mathematics at work?

Number Seven: Thou shalt deal with all criticism by using the tools of ancient Indian philosophy. It is all maya (illusion), you may say when you're accused of distorting history. It is all maya, you may say when you're accused of being ungrammatical. It is all maya, you may say when you're accused of plagiarism. It is all maya, you may get L K Advani to say about the plagiarism accusations. In a parallel universe, none of this happened. Or all of it. Who knows? It's all an illusion anyway! See how easy this is?

Number Eight: Thou shalt never give in to demands that thou should perhaps consider writing real textbooks instead of the works of bad fantasy that thou hast produced. Instead, you may turn the tables on your attackers.

Make them sit down and write twenty thousand times, "I will never criticise the NCERT or its textbooks again for fear of being considered anti-national. I will never criticise the NCERT or its textbooks again for fear of being considered anti-national. I will never criticise the NCERT or its textbooks again for fear of being considered anti-national...." That should keep those irritating little critical morons off thy textbook writing neck for a while!

nilroy@lycos.com