How to get a visa

Winter's long gone; the couple of hours that passes for spring have also disappeared; we're stuck now with the unpalatable fact that it is, irrevocably (or for a couple of months anyway), summer.

Wherever you live, whether Mumbai (where it's humid), Kolkata (where it's sweaty), or Delhi (where you can fry an egg on your head most days), people are fidgeting and shuffling their feet, and there's really only one thing to be done: leave the country.

Nowadays, though, this is easier said than done. Gone are the good old days when you could stowaway on a friendly pirate ship or take a trip through the mountains to avoid the border patrol (singing "The hills are alive" every step of the way, of course).

Now we need passports, and fiddly bits of paper called visas. And they're a pain.

Especially if you want to spend the summer in New York (or Wichita, Kansas). The US embassy has taken it upon itself to wangle the most long-winded visa application process in the world.

We're not saying we blame them, but when they ask for bank statements, letters of sponsorship, bank statements from the people who have written your letter of sponsorship, letters from your employer, and a host of other letters supporting the letters you've already given them "" well, we're entitled to a bit of a whinge.

You also need an interview, and now, at the peak of summer, the Delhi waiting time is 107 days, Mumbai 72 days and Kolkata 65 days.

The total fee, which you'll have to pay by bank draft, will be around Rs 7,000, including the issuance fee, application fee and processing charge. US visas are couriered to you at any address you provide.

The hassle-meter when you're applying for visas to other countries will vary. The UK, for instance, is relatively hassle-free; you have to go to a Visa Facilitation Centre (Safdarjung Enclave in New Delhi; Churchgate in Mumbai), drop in your passport, an application form, a letter from your employer or sponsor, proof of finances, and a letter from the person you plan to visit.

The visa fee, which you can pay in cash, will be just over Rs 3,000 (including processing charge) for six months. You can get your passport couriered for an extra fee of around Rs 160, or pick it up yourself from the centre in a couple of days.

If you're planning to go to Europe, you'll need the umbrella Schengen visa (around Rs 2,000) from the embassy of whatever country you plan to go to first.

The hassle-meter can fluctuate, but most embassies, for example, France, Holland and Germany, will be picky. Not only will you need the usual letters, but also a hotel booking, and if the person you're staying with is not a European citizen, he or she will have to get their letter notarised by a public official there.

You may also need airline bookings, and a copy of the passport or residence permit of the person you are visiting.

The Dutch embassy insists on overseas medical insurance, "including medical emergency evacuation" as their website says, and the German a declaration called a Verpflichtungserklärung, signed by the person you're visiting and confirmed by the local Aliens Office.

It could be worse, though. They could make you try to pronounce Verpflichtungserklärung.

Wherever you're going though, at the very minimum you'll need a passport, an application form, proof of funds and two recent passport-sized photographs.

And remember to pay some attention to your photograph. It has to be full face, against a white or light background, and taken within the last six months.

I took a photograph that was only slightly over six months old to the UK Facilitation Centre, and they made me take another one, which meant 40 minutes of standing in line, sweating freely, waiting for the guy with the digital camera to work his way through the people in front of me "" and then waiting 10 minutes for the picture to develop.

(Why they didn't have an instant photo booth was beyond me.) And you don't want, as I have now, a grumpy picture of you scowling with murderous intent into the camera on your visa. I just hope it isn't a problem at Immigration at Heathrow.