Have you ever paused at those square ads normally on the left-hand page in newspapers with "Missing" or "Help Wanted" written in bold at the top? I know most people give these a bye and hurry on to the next page that is replete with news of rapes and murders and scandals and scams. But I sometimes stop and read these messages from the police and relatives of people who have vanished or from people desperate for help and information. Here are some that I espied in recent editions.
MISSING
Miss P Yaz
Plump, wearing several layers in her favourite colour magenta. Last seen a month ago with a Rs 100 note wrapped around herself and walking unsurely up the spiral stairs at the sabzi mandi.
P, come back. Without you, Big Mother Sonia has been crying with dry eyes. Mutton Do Pyaza just doesn't taste the same without you around, even if rice is just Rs 3 a kilo now. Please return in the pink of health before 2014.
If anyone has any information on the missing P Yaz, urgently contact: Congress Party or Government of India, New Delhi.
Another one with an admixture of Bengali and English read:
SHIGGIRI SHAHAJJO CHAI
(Help Needed Urgently)
We are a dynamically-headed company that needs expert advice on demergers.
Background: We are a joint-venture created during the days of the British Raj. There are two very disparate business units in our company. One deals in its own language (which we do not understand) and has its culture, norms and even has a distinct ethnicity in its employee rolls. Thus, there is no synergy between that body and our's, which too has its own language (which that group doesn't understand), culture, norms and ethnicity. The only thing common between the two units is whimsical leadership that employs illogical development stratagems.
We need: An expert who can tell us how to demerge the two units. Will be well rewarded with cash, as and when and if it starts flowing into our coffers. Reward will also consist of art works signed by Affection. The reward can be withdrawn at any time if our capricious leadership deems it fit or discerns a conspiracy in the making.
Contact urgently: CM Banerjee or Trinamool Congress at under-renovation Writers' Buildings in Kolkata.
The most poignant one that came to my notice was about a loved, and well-coveted, pet that had been lost.
REWARD! REWARD! REWARD!
"Paisa khuda to nahin, par khuda ki kasam khuda se kam bhi nahin!"
Anyone furnishing information leading to the recovery of our beloved pet, Paisa aka Rupee, or to its whereabouts will be amply rewarded with inflation-indexed gilt bonds with a guarantee it will be payable in dollars. Our Rupee used to be anchored to the bottom of its basket of currencies, where it slept, with a leash. That leash has gone missing. Because of this, our precious Rupee has been floating skywards in the past few months and all efforts to bring it back have failed. The authorities have been informed but all efforts have proved futile. We had provided a spanking chrome symbol for our Rupee just two years ago and we fear the emblem will rust away if our dear [oh, dear, what a pun!] Rupee cannot be pulled back to its basket.
Anyone with information or political will or economic sense, please contact: Reserve Bank of India or Ministry of Finance
Free Run is a fortnightly look at alternate realities joel.rai@bsmail.in
