Touch-me-nots

TELLY VISION

Playback singer Sonu Nigam was busy molesting a girl last week when I switched on the telly. While I gaped in horror, the poor girl looked at Nigam's anorexic hand that edged close to her, squeaked like a mouse, cringed her entire body into a tiny little bundle, clasped her hands tightly, squealed again, looked at him, sniffled between her sobs and finally croaked, "Nahin, nahin (No, no)! Please don't do this to me! You can't do this to me!"

On Indian television's popular reality show Indian Idol, Nigam obviously looked inspired by Aman Varma "" sorry, that was hard to resist "" who was caught on camera not very long ago in a disastrous casting couch episode.

It was only after watching the episode closely that I realised that the show's judges - Anu Malik, director/choreographer Farah Khan and Nigam - were selecting a handful of candidates for the next league of the programme.

The deal was simple. "Whoever we touch," music director Malik said in his trademark nasal tone, "will not make it to Indian Idol." As the judges walked in slow motion on stage, the aspirants stood still, muttering prayers, breathing unevenly and looking like they'd just encountered ghosts.

That's why our little-girl-in-shocking-pink shook violently, hoping that the singer would fail to touch her.

I could have suggested a better game. Participants should have jumped off the stage, run around the auditorium, stuck out their thumbs, sniggered and said, "Catch me if you can." See, that would be fun.

Unfortunately, by the time 11 Indian MPs wanted to run, it was too late. A certain news channel had caught them red-handed as they accepted cash for asking specific questions in Parliament.

Viewers were treated to blurred images of politicians "" overweight in most cases "" accepting money from undercover reporters. But my point is, how on earth do these reporters manage to sneak in their cameras and escape that horrendous beeping security machine that guards run all over your body with bored expressions? Anyone willing to investigate this?

Or will anyone investigate why Jassi's friend Nandu on Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin decided to borrow the Jaaved Jaafri look from Salaam Namaste?

He held a cigar, wore a cowboy hat - which hid his tiny, mouse-sized face - and mimicked Jaffri. Next we saw love-lost boy Armaan buying jewellery for Jassi for the nth time after they kissed and made up after their nth break up.

The serial, having lost its original storyline, is now increasingly been used as a means to advertise everything from clothes to jewellery to holiday destinations and fashion shows.

So the latest adventure was Armaan buying a diamond ring for his beloved while a salesgirl cooed, "Our diamonds are the best, our jewellery is a mark of authenticity, our jewellery is..." Oh, forget it.

Armaan aka Apoorva Agnihotri was in a much better avataar when I saw him swinging with his wife Shilpa aka Ganga of Kyunki Saas Bhi... on Nach Baliye, a fantastic programme featuring 10 couples of the Indian small screen that unfortunately came to an end on Thursday.

What made this programme special was the fact that one saw small screen icons battling and trying to outdo each other as they sizzled on the dance floor.

Now that's the sort of thing I like watching on my telly. Ecjhacktly.