While my TV gently weeps

TELLY VISION

I'm a complete idiot surfing the idiot box. Why on earth am I wasting time browsing through these television channels?

Take the TV remote in your hand and chances are you'll only regret what you see. If you found the Salman-Ash tapes controversy interesting, then we presume you had fun with the telly last week.

But on the whole, here's our verdict. Indian television is boring. Everyone is weeping, and if actors can't show off their crying talents, they promptly get knocked off shows.

Take any of the serials coming from the weepy house of Ekta Kapoor. The actors here have already used up so much glycerine that one wonders if they'll have to start importing the product from overseas.

In fact Rakshanda Khan, one of the actors in the serial Kahaani Ghar Ghar Ki, once commented, "I think the women in these serials should go a little easy on the glycerine."

Coming back to the 'knock-em-off' tactic, Parvati, the protagonist of Kahaani, will be widowed soon because her on-screen husband Om finally feels he's "outgrown the character and wants to do roles of substance".

So does the serial end here? Nah! According to the K gang, now is the time to have some fun as Parvati will be the central character of the serial. (Err...what was she all this time? A piece of furniture?) The characters might smile in some flashback scenes but their mantra to cry till kingdom come will continue to thrive on the idiot box.

On Sony Television's Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahin "" which we suggest be renamed Jassi... nahin nahin "" something similar happened recently. After all the hype around the makeover of the main protagonist Jassi in exotic Mauritius, one thought the lady would finally be a happier soul. Not quite. She still weeps either for her lover Armaan or because of him. We say, what's the point of removing braces when you can't even show off pearly, white teeth?

Jassi's on-screen friend Purab "" who coaxed her into removing her thick glasses and into seeing the world through Bausch & Lomb contact lenses "" got knocked off the show recently.

Purab aka Sameer Soni felt his role wasn't etched out properly and threatened to leave the show. Soon enough, the scriptwriters of the show packed him off to his death bed after he showed signs of illness. (I swear, it looked like he had had a headache.)

A friend once told me the secret behind the scripting of these shows. A production house has several scriptwriters for different serials who meet regularly to take their serials forward.

If serial A, for instance, is slowing down as compared to serial B, then the production head asks the serial B script writer to go slow before any changes can be made.

It's a bit like this: "Serial B is doing well. Cool, don't touch it for the next two weeks. Let the mother weep and don't let her find her lost son." Or, for that matter, "Okay! Serial A is lagging behind. Then you move the script and let the son come back to the mother."

Idiot box indeed.