How to launder money and live happily ever after

There are only two requirements: you need to have serious amount of money and a PAN card

First of all, you should have a lot of black money, say a few crores of rupees. Salaried employees like you and me will be shooed away to what the private bankers in the Cobrapost video derogatorily call “rickshaw-wallah” banking.



In Rickshaw-wallah banking, there will be no one to help you hoodwink the “well-defined KYC(Know your customer) and AML (Anti-money laundering) systems” banks claim they have. You will be on your own and are most likely to get yourself into trouble, sooner than later.

But if you have serious money, then you will be eligible for private banking services and like Paulo Coelho says, the whole universe will conspire to make things happen for you.
 


You don’t need to give too many details about yourself. If you have a PAN card for identity it’s fine. You should be ready to spare the money for five to 10 years.

Your relationship manager has full knowledge of his bank’s checks and balances. He knows what the compliance department will be looking for and how to skip the suspicious transaction reports.

He will offer to create a “channel” through which you can deposit cash over and above permissible. If you have wife and children, he advises you to open accounts in each of their names. Thus you can deposit up to Rs 2.5 lakh (each account can accept up to Rs 50,000 in cash without PAN). A further Rs 2.5 lakh can be deposited through demand drafts of Rs 50,000 in each of the accounts.



If you have problems with involving your children and family, you can open different accounts using each of your different ID proofs. Some managers offer to create one bank account each for PAN card, Voters ID, Driving Licence, Aadhar and Passport. The multiple accounts are opened on different dates to avoid triggering the suspicious transaction alerts.

After depositing a few lakhs through these accounts this money is then invested in insurance policies of terms 10-15 years. After the mandatory lock-in is over, you can withdraw the money, which would be credited to your account, striking white. The manager advises you to withdraw in tranches to avoid detection.

In case you don’t want to put all eggs in India, you can send some of the coloured money abroad. You can transfer Rs 10 crore for a fee of Rs 10 lakh. Your manager can arrange it for you. If you have lesser amounts, you can use travel currency debit cards.

If you don’t want all these hassles, you can just take a big size locker and convert all the money you have in to the highest denominator notes say Rs 1000 notes and stash it in there. After doing all these, you need not be scared about the traces you have left behind. The manager will erase these for you. Also, nobody else in the bank would know what is in your account. If somebody in the bank tries to open your private banking account. It won’t show the balance. Only your relationship manager’s ID will pop up.

Trust your private banking relationship manager, launder your money and live happily ever after.