How Consultants Created The World

DOWN-TIME

Management consultants should be proud that theirs is the oldest profession in the world. Legend has it that once upon a time, back in the dark ages before Tom Peters, the gods got together to create the world. These were the old gods, haughty and arrogant, so naturally they couldn't agree on anything, least of all on such an important matter as creating the world. The obvious choice, consequently, was to create a few consultants first. That is how the Big Five came into existence--Arthur Andersen, McKinsey, Ernst & Young, Deloitte Touche Tohmatsu and Price Waterhouse Coopers.

Recent research has unearthed the minutes of the first round table conference between the consultants and a divine representative of the gods, the meeting at which the plans for world formation were first discussed. We reproduce it here in full:

MINUTES OF THE COMMITTEE FOR WORLD CONFIGURATION

Andersen (this was a long time before Enron, so Andersen was keen on grabbing the spotlight by starting off first): Where's the feasibility study?

God: In my mind. But I'll tell you the basic factors that need to be put in this world. We need souls, faith, hope, despair, fortitude, conscience, guilt, love...

E&Y (interrupting): That's too long. You need to get that in a two-by-two matrix.

God: Huh!

McKinsey: Let me put it simply. The issues here are initiative management, prioritisation, process-flow maps, all leading to an enterprise system package.

Deloitte Touche: Let's start with a mission statement.

PwC: Focus on the value drivers. What's the EVA of this project?

God: Excuse me, could you please put sin and redemption into it somewhere?

Andersen: If you need sinners, surely we are enough?

Deloitte Touche: Words like sin and redemption are so unprofessional, the term you need is TQM, kaizen.

McKinsey: The whole thing will have to be networked.

God: Of course, by the holy spirit.

PwC: SAP could do it better.

E&Y: We need to get the metrics of this assignment right.

God: We would also like death in it, as an existential truth.

Andersen (aside): We badly need some CRM here, these guys are crazy.

Deloitte Touche: I suggest we de-risk the plan by terminating the customer.

PwC (to God): Your business processes badly need updating. You need a paradigm shift.

God: Ok, let's talk about love.

McKinsey: As a selling proposition, that's a good idea. Let's brand love as "McKinsey's day".

Other consultants (in chorus): Hey, how about us?

God (soothingly): Don't squabble, I'll call it Valentine's Day, after a friend of mine.

Andersen: The cocktails are finished. I have to rush. I'll make a powerpoint presentation at the next meeting. God, make sure you give me the bullet points by then.

God: But, but----what have you decided?

Consultants (in unison): Decided!!!! It's just the first meeting. This is a titanic project. It will take aeons.

McKinsey: We have yet to get to the nitty-gritty, like JIT, B2B, B2C, P2P...

E&Y: Six sigma, re-engineering.....

Deloitte Touche: Leveraging, logistics, synergies.

PwC: Acquisition costs, net lifetime value, BPO, BPE, BULL,but we assure you it'll all be cutting-edge.

God: And who'll finally create the universe?

McKinsey: Implementation is not our core competence.Take care till our next meeting.

(Editor's Note: After several ages, the consultants submitted their report. The gods junked it, and created their own world. The consultants created theirs, just to show that they too could do it. The world the gods created is called the Universe. The one the consultants created is now known as Hell.)

(This article was published in the April 2002 issue of Indian Management)