Avoiding arrest in Tamil Nadu

Watchword

(Newindpress.com, November 8, 2003: The Speaker took objection to phrases like "Chief Minister Jayalalithaa's stinging abuse...", "unrestrained attack on the Opposition", "Ms Jayalalithaa fumed..." and "incensed Ms Jayalalithaa alleged in a high-pitched tone"

Sify.com, November 8, 2003: In one incident during the last session, the Speaker had pulled up the reporter of The Hindu along with one more reporter from another paper for talking in the press galleries.)

Have you heard of the slim young lady who's doing such wonderful things down south? Under her inspiring leadership, her exemplary guidance, and her stateswomanlike qualities, the government of Tamil Nadu is going from strength to strength.

Consider, by way of example, the occasion when the streets of Chennai erupted in joyous celebration after the government boldly tackled public menace number one ""talking in the press galleries. At this rate, she may even catch Veerappan.

Selvi Jayalalithaa has come a long way since that historic step. Incensed by the attempt to stop talking in the press gallery, The Hindu newspaper spared no effort in attacking the illustrious Chief Minister, even casting aspersions on her voice, which, as we all know, is anything but high-pitched.

Why, noted Carnatic singers have been awestruck at her melodious modulation. Worse, The Hindu went so far as to allege that her attacks against the opposition were "unrestrained", when we all know that the svelte star has been a model of moderation.

All of you no doubt remember how she nobly withdrew the arrest warrant against arch rival Karunanidhi, after the police, acting against her express instructions, manhandled the septuagenarian leader after breaking into his house at midnight.

The Hindu also used foul language to describe the Chief Minister's behaviour, alleging scurrilously that she was "incensed", she "fumed", and that she directed "stinging abuse" at the opposition.

Little wonder, dear reader, that you cover your ears in shame. Mind it, these newspaper people are nothing but rowdies.

The problem for Jayalalithaa has always been that people take advantage of her simplicity. Remember all those stories of piles of diamond-studded gold jewellery, more than 10,000 saris and 750 shoes being found in her house? Well, every girl needs clothes, right?

And a politician has to be on the move all the time, so she needs shoes, right? I really don't understand what the fuss was all about. It's basically jealous people trying to throw mud at her in the hope that some of it sticks "" like all those cases against her, which, by the way, she's winning.

People are also envious of her impeccable taste, an envy that clearly lay behind the pointless criticism of her foster son's wedding. No run-of-the-mill politician could put up such a stupendous show "" with scores of acrobats, mounted horsemen, truckloads of flowers, invitations inscribed on silver salvers, a plywood fortress topped with cannons and 600 Grecian columns. And what prettier addition to Chennai's drab skyline than hundred foot cutouts of Puratchi Thalaivi?

Mention must also be made of Jayalalithaa's intense spirituality. Recall how she attributes her electoral victory, very modestly, to the favours of the Guruvayoor deity, and how she donated an elephant to the temple. Given such divine blessings, it's no surprise that people are ready to grovel at her feet at the drop of a hat.

The most impressive thing about the Chief Minister, however, apart from her cape, has been her handling of the state economy. She has a well-oiled administrative machine, transferring hundreds of useless officials and replacing them with committed people.

Why, only recently the Tamil Nadu government informed the Supreme Court that it was common for labourers in Tiruvarur district to eat 'robust rats' and denied that they ate rats because they were starving. Even rats have grown fat under her benign rule.

In short, Ms Jayalalithaa is a model chief minister, a simple, slim, soulful, caring, cape-wearing, impartial, sensitive person, so unlike her detractors. God save the Queen.

I hope this will do, madam? I mean, I hope this article will ensure I'm not arrested the next time I'm in Chennai. Or should I make it a bit more adulatory? Let me know, please, not only for my future guidance, but so that other journalists know exactly how they should write about you, so that they can avoid being arrested.

I would also implore you to kindly and magnanimously excuse any errors and omissions that may have crept into this piece. Also, very importantly, I would like to personally thank you for dramatically raising the risks involved in the hitherto humdrum life of an editorial writer. The higher risk premium, I hope, will soon result in higher compensation. Any time you want any more of this bilge, just let me know, madam, my pen is at your majesty's service.

manas@business-standard.com