Devangshu Datta: Games politicians should play

WORM'S EYE VIEW/ They can be great entertainers. Why not exploit that potential?

Imagine a split-screen shot with two prime-ministerial candidates onscreen. Both babble their usual brand of nonsense; the composite sound effect is cacophony. Then, the pictures blur and one candidate morphes into a corpse and the other into a cross-dresser.

As the voice-over says "India needs a strong man!", a quick-step version of the national anthem starts up and the splitscreen unites back into one image "" that of the strong man, wearing a dress uniform festooned with many medals.

I'd love to see this enacted by a cast of star-politicians but unfortunately the Election Commission would freak. India takes its elections so seriously, it isn't considered decent to even mention the names of the people one would love to see morphing, ever so slowly, into corpses and crossdressers. I might not vote for the strong man but I'd definitely nominate such an ad for creative awards.

When the late General Lebed ran an ad of this nature in a mid-1990 Russian presidential campaign, sitting president Yeltsin and Zhirinovsky featured respectively as corpse and transvestite. Afghan hero Lebed received more votes than the far-right lunatic Zhirinovsky but considerably less than Yeltsin.

That was in the brief heyday of Russian democracy, of course, before the ground rules of free speech not being quite so free-and-easy were established. Under Vladimir Putin, (oddly enough, there's never been a Romanov czar named Vladimir) any station that ran an ad of this nature would be closed down and the owners would cool off in jail.

Indian poll ads tend to be mind-numbingly politically correct; the papers show full page slogans complete with party symbol and large, pixellated mug-shot of the candidate inaugurating a cesspool or some such work of public utility. Very worthy but also designed to switch off the cognitive process even as the words and images reach the optic nerve.

TV is even worse. On Doordarshan (DD), you have ruling party politicians inaugurating sparkling new sewerage facilities and mouthing inanities. On the other networks, you have politicians of every ilk sitting in studios and mouthing inanities.

We know what they'll say; we know what they'll wear; how does this help any voter make up her mind one way or the other about their suitability? It's useful for the networks since it helps them develop credibility and it's great for the agencies because it improves their cash-flows.

It would be too much to expect from the bureaucrats who run DD but why don't the networks feature game-shows with candidates instead? There are a few critical things one wants to know about any politician one is contemplating voting for.

Is he or she capable of delivering soundbytes at a moment's notice on a given subject? Does he/she have the charm and nous to win over potential allies? Does he/she have the stamina to work 20-hour a day? Is he/she conversant with issues that concern the electorate?

Every college festival has a standard portfolio of games that test peoples' abilities in these matters. These could be adapted easily for political use. The physical fitness tests are easiest to replicate "" just ask participants to do a 10-minute treadmill test while reading the party manifesto.

"Just-a-minute" offers 60 seconds to extemporise on given topics. Political choices could include topics like "Weapons of Mass Destruction "" Irfan's outswinger or Kumble's top-spinner?", "Sex and the Dada-Dadi bond" or "Caste-divides in Eastern UP".

None of this would probably make much of a difference to the quality of the people who run India. But it would make a massive difference to the quality of the entertainment that they provide to those who vote for them. And if all else fails, we could get them to star on reality TV "" "Survivor" would make a great model!