Devangshu Datta: New-age 'science'

WORM'S EYE VIEW/ It jettisons the real thing when it is convenient

The New Age Cafe at Khan Market isn't actually called the New Age cafe. But the name, "Full Circle" reflects its New Age nature perfectly; the mathematically-equivalent "Complete Degenerate Ellipse" would not convey the same ambience of earnest and cheerful lunacy.

It was at Full Circle, while I ate my macrobiotic quiche on the vastu-compliant balcony, that I was introduced to the wonders of Reiki water-therapy (RWT). They were total strangers; two middle-aged women treating the taboo about discussing bodily functions at meals with absolute contempt.

For the uninitated, basic RWT consists of rising in the morning and drinking several litres of water (plain, at room temperature, stored overnight in a glass container). This induces rapid, healthy and complete cleansing of bowels and kidneys.

Once a week, according to the ladies discussing this with gusto, advanced RWT is required. This consists of um, absorbing several litres of water through another body-orifice. This must be done through an eco-friendly, bio-degradable, rubber-piped enema kit "" a plastic pipe is dangerous because of "leaking toxins".

This sovereign cure for constipation apparently works best once the user has learnt to maintain a "positive, cheerful attitude", while performing it. How many people do you know who can maintain a cheery, positive attitude while self-administering an early morning enema?

My own cure for constipation is worth mentioning in this context. I attempt to solve a cryptic crossword while absorbing a strong dose of Arabica (brewed from fresh-roasted beans, sans sugar or milk). That usually works and even when it doesn't, it certainly helps to induce a mood closer to the positive and cheerful than advanced RWT!

Cryptic crosswords aren't that easy to find nowadays. Most newspapers have replaced these with astrological and tarot predictions supplied by sages called "Ma Anandmila" and the like. Presumably more people are interested in knowing their chances of meeting tall, dark strangers than in solving "13 Across".

This shift in media allocation reflects the growing interest in New Age. New Age is easy to recognise when encountered in the wild but its surprisingly difficult to define. New Agers combine an interest in various pseudo-sciences with an absolute,cheerful determination to ignore real science when it's inconvenient.

Even when advocating perfectly valid lifestyle choices such as RWT and veganism, the New Ager will insist on dressing them up with absurd labels and paraphernalia.

Plastic enema pipes don't leak toxins; it'll make little difference to your bowels if RWT is conducted with water stored in plastic instead of glass. Strategically-placed crystals don't cure prostate problems. Knives don't grow sharper when placed inside cardboard pyramids.

New Age presents its followers with an overabundance of moral choices "" almost every personal decision reflects moral choice. Your clothes should be long-staple cotton, your food must not be genetically modified, your jewellery must reflect your astrosign rather than your tastes.

The New Age-approved portfolio of perfumes, toiletry/ personal care, detergents and insecticides is, of course, environment-friendly and animal-friendly. That I like and I'm very grateful that New Age offers expanded choices to consumers.

Given the cat population at home, we cannot risk normal insecticides and detergents for fear of poisoning the felines. Neem-based floorwashes and citronella-based insecticides do the job very, very effectively while being completely safe for pets. And nothing disguises the smell of cat-pee better than an aroma candle burning a camphor and wildflower mix.

New Age toiletry, personal care and perfumes carry guarantees that a given product (and its ingredients) haven't been animal-tested. That means it is no longer necessary to think remorsefully of blind rabbits and emasculated civets while taking a shower.

Unfortunately for my New Age credentials, I will cheerfully eat anything that moves. I also nuke leftover food in the microwave, which is "so not New Age". And I am very wary about crystal or pyramids ""the last consignment ended up in the cat litter.