In-laws and inebriation

People Like Us

Thankfully, my in-laws weren't in town for long. They'd hitched a ride with us when we were returning from Jaipur, but for a change had decided not to camp for too long in Delhi. "Where's your rum?" asked my father-in-law the morning he was packing his bags to leave.

"You've just had breakfast," I said, "surely you don't want a drink so early in the day." "Not yet, no," said the old man, "but thank you for asking." "This decanter," I said pointing to the bar, "has the rum, the other one is for whisky." "Not your bally decanter," said my father-in-law, "where do you keep your stock of liquor?"

I pointed to the shelf under the counter, and my wife's father helped himself to two bottles of tipple. "I need to give them away as gifts," he said by way of explanation, "and this is the cheapest I can get." "Not so much cheap as free," said my wife, "considering I've just left you a carton of the stuff in Jaipur."

"I thought we were carrying a bottle of Scotch for the old man," I said to her angrily, "how come you smuggled a case for him as well?" "Can't you be a little more generous to my father?" my wife burst into tears. "Sure, sure," I said at this unexpected turn of events, "he can have anything he wants." "That's mighty fine of you," said my father-in-law, "but just one more bottle will do mighty fine."

I must have muttered something about the size of his recent booty, because my father-in-law said it wasn't as if he was the only one doing the drinking. "Alright, so blame me," said my mother-in-law, "but I never help myself to a drink unless I'm tense." She paused for a moment, "Of course, I'm tense a lot these days." "It isn't good for you to be drinking regularly," I admonished the old lady, "not at your age."

"Oh, don't worry," she said, "I hardly ever drink in the evenings with my husband and his group of freeloaders." I could have pointed out from my perspective, the freeloaders appeared to be well accounted for, when she added: "But then, whenever I'm stressed, which is a lot these days, I help myself to a tot."

"Well, a tot every other evening is hardly likely to do you harm," I said in relief. "I'm not usually stressed in the evening," said my mother-in-law. "That's because you're more likely sloshed in the day," pointed out my father-in-law.

"What," exclaimed my wife, "do you drink during the day?" "Once in a while," said ma-in-law, "just once in a while." "How can you," lamented my wife, "suppose people find out." "That's unlikely," said her mother, "all I take is a quick shot from the bottle, and I'm fine." "You mean you drink neat?" I looked at the old biddy in approval.

"Sshh," she hissed, "you don't have to let everybody know." "So that's where it goes," said pop-in-law, "every time I open a bottle, it evaporates. Now I know you're soaking it in." "Such language," said mom-in-law, "you'd think I'm a woman with a drinking problem."

"I am not letting you take any more bottles with you," said my wife to my dad-in-law, "how could you let this happen to my mother?" "She gets tense," her father replied, "and you know the rest." "But why does she get tense?" I asked. "I worry about my daughter," said my wife, "who, as we all know, is married to you.

In fact," she added, unscrewing the cap of one of the bottles, "just thinking about it is making me feel all funny and strained, so if you excuse me, I think I need a little something to revive myself."