Interview with Santa Claus, CEO

WATCHWORD

Saturday, December 20, Associated Press, Helsinki, Finland: Layoffs Hit Elves at Arctic Santa Park Santa's workshop may not be the joyous place it was in years past... Facing a blizzard of debt, Saint Nick laid off many of the elves who work at the SantaPark attraction near the Arctic Circle.

New York Times, December 8: The Zicklin School of Business released a study reporting that more than 95 per cent of children visiting Santa at two large shopping malls near New York City were visibly indifferent to Santa. The study went on to label Santa Claus 'yesterday's hero.'

BS: Mr Claus, generations have grown up knowing all about your workshop at the North Pole, staffed by elves, your sleigh pulled by reindeer, your bright red suit, your pompom-topped cap, your flowing white beard, your jolly laugh. It's a great honour to interview you.

Santa: Oh, all that's history. I mean, what kind of a location is the North Pole "" no markets nearby, and finding people to work is a massive problem, you have to pay a fortune to those elves. I've been moving my production line to China over the years "" the workers there are far more productive than elves "" and currently about 90 per cent of my toys are made there. My holding company's now San Ta Inc, Guangdong.

The other 10 per cent "" mostly online games "" will be made in India. I also propose to move my back office work to India. I was having a bit of trouble with your Hindutva guys, who thought I was a missionary instead of a businessman, but that's sorted out now, my Indian subsidiary will be called either Shanta Ltd or Santa Singh & Associates.

BS: But what about your caring, grandfatherly image?
Santa: I'm changing it. Kids don't give a damn about grandfathers these days. In fact, every jolly fat fellow I know is trying his best to slim down, get into a business suit and look like a winner.

Nobody wants extra calories. And who would want to wear anything like this awful red suit anyway? First, red is an obsolete colour, smacking of socialism. Second, it makes me look like a clown, and a clown is no aspirational role model.

Third, having a beard, particularly a flowing one, is a major hazard. I was held up at JFK airport for hours in 2001, while the FBI wanted to know whether I knew Osama. I had to tell them the last time I met him was ages ago, when he wanted an AK 47 for his fifth Christmas.

So I'm going to be clean-shaven now, slim down, and wear a sober business suit with a Stars and Stripes in the lapel. The other alternative is to wear my underwear over a body suit and become Santaman.

BS: You must get awfully tired on Christmas Eve?
Santa: Who doesn't, with all that partying?

BS: No, no, I mean taking all those presents to the children, driving your reindeer sledge, slithering down chimneys and so on.
Santa: Oh, I outsourced all that a long time back to FedEx, the reindeer are now safely housed in zoos.

Besides, PETA were kicking up a huge fuss about my exploiting the reindeer. And then there was this problem of getting overflight rights, landing rights and so on for the sledge. There's trouble even at the distribution end, I was once sued in the US for entering through the chimney. These things are best outsourced.

BS: So what is it you do yourself, apart from dieting?
Santa: I manage the brand. I'm going to employ an army of lawyers to find out who uses the Santa name or logo, and sue the pants off them.

I'm going to develop the brand "" just think of the merchandising, the movies, the music, the fantastic marketing opportunity "" it's a gold mine. I'm also diversifying into finance "" starting with the legal insurance that Santas at shopping malls in the US have to buy against child molestation claims.

I'll soon be offering derivative products that allow toy producers and retailers to hedge against the risk of a less-than-merry Christmas. Santa futures and options, we'll call them. Yup, that's what I'll be doing "" developing the intellectual property while doing a bit of financial engineering.

BS: Well, at least your jolly laugh hasn't changed.
Santa: Ho, ho, why should it? I'm planning an IPO soon. Who do you think created the bull run in the stock market this December?

BS: Will you like to sign off with your traditional greeting of "Peace on earth and goodwill towards all men"?
Santa: Goodwill is a balance sheet item, realisable only if you sell the business. I would like to wish you all a lucrative Christmas and a profitable New Year.

manas@business-standard.com