Kishore Singh: Dummy's guide to page 3 parties

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My uncle, who lives in hibernation in Shillong and only comes to the capital every now and then, loves page 3 parties. Not because he wants to network, or be seen and photographed or interviewed, but because he can drink himself silly without having to make conversation with anyone else.

Not that you can talk to anyone in all that din and raspberry dropping, but the anonymity of a page 3 party gives him the chance to let down his hair without having to bother about watching either his step or his manners.

So these days when everyone has an opinion about a page 3 party, here's my swot analysis for what it's worth.

Strengths

1. You don't need to cook dinner at home. As a sometime page 3 party watcher, I can name the celebrities in whose homes the gas ring hasn't been lit for months. The list includes dancers and artists on top of the heap. Cultural perks?
   
   
2. You don't, as my uncle pointed out, need to talk to anyone, and you can drink as much as you like. Even if you throw up, you aren't a social embarrassment.
   
   
3. The unwritten dress code for women is "less is more". Of course, whoever first said that hasn't a fig's idea of women's clothing.
   
   
4. You don't have to queue up to say hello to the host, or look for the hostess when you're leaving. That's because you don't know who they are in the first place. In fact, there's a rumour that page 3 parties are never hosted, they just happen.
   
   
5. Everyone has a glazed smile on their faces, which means whatever you're saying must be interesting.

Weaknesses

1. You'll meet the same faces evening after evening.
   
   
2. Intellectually, the most stimulating conversation is likely to be: "M-wah, m-wah! Where've you been, haven't seen you in such a long time." For the record, you met over the exact same conversation the previous evening.
   
   
3. You might wonder why everyone calls you "Darling" "" is it because they've forgotten your name?
   
   
4. Repeating clothes is a strict no-no, so you need to spend a fortune on ensembles you can wear only once.
   
   
5. There's always the morning after the night before. Hangovers are a bad thing to carry to work.

Opportunities

1. You get to meet people who're meant to be interesting, even if you don't know why.
   
   
2. You can network with the capital's most powerful "" at least theoretically. Maybe even slip your visiting card into their jacket pocket when they aren't looking.
   
   
3. As part of the happening crowd, you'll burn up your colleagues with envy about the parties you attend.
   
   
4. If nothing else, at least the booze is free.
   
   
5. As part of the party herd, you can gatecrash any other page 3 party and nobody will be the wiser.

Threats

1. Everyone knows you're an interloper and not really a page 3 person, which is why they aren't talking to you. How come everyone else gets their photos in the dailies the next day, but never you!
   
   
2. How come everyone who speaks to you is always looking over your shoulder for someone who's either more interesting, or rich, or a celebrity.
   
   
3. Everyone spends the evening talking about other parties they've been to, or are going to "" parties you haven't been invited to: Does that make you a social pariah?
   
   
4. What if someone finds out you're a gatecrasher?
   
   
5. At some stage, you'll have to throw a return page 3 party too. Are you up to it?