Maybe because they were back from a holiday, or because it was a new year resolution, or simply because they had a live fireplace, Sarla and her husband invited us home for dinner, and since my wife never says no to a free meal, there we were, mwah-ing our way in, when Sarla pointed an accusing finger. “That bag!” she gasped, “Where did you get it?”
“Nice, isn’t it?” preened my wife, which, of course, wasn’t an answer to Sarla’s question. “Of course it’s nice,” snapped back Sarla, “because it’s mine.” “No it’s not,” my wife tightened her hold on the bag, “it’s mine.” “Maybe, maybe,” said Sarla, “but it was mine to begin with.” Turns out she’d bought the bag — “though who knows if somebody didn’t give it to her,” my wife hinted darkly later — as a gift for Padma who, breaking the golden rule of dispersing gifts from one group of friends only to another totally different group of friends, chose to present it to my wife, to be promptly recognised by Sarla, who sulked so much she forgot to gloat about the roaring log fire her husband had managed to get going.
Back home though, my wife said we had to ensure damage control, not because of something we had done (though she had passed on something my sister had given us, in her presence yet, to a cousin), but on account of what we might do. So the following rules have been established:
Thou shalt not pass on gifts in the same group: It’s okay if you want to give something A gave you, to B, provided A and B are not friends and will likely never meet. But if A and B are even acquaintances, do not pass on A’s gift to B, or vice-versa.
Thou shalt check the wine bottle for marks: Apparently some gifters have decided to mark the B&G bottles of wine that are always in circulation with a distinctive mark, which can be identified if it comes back to them. To foul up others chances of passing back any wine bottles you gift them, sign on the label.
Thou shalt lie convincingly: When it’s evident that you could not have bought something locally, create family, or friends, whom you’ve asked to bring you some linen/tableware/silver/stoles because it’s so lovely, you simply had to have it for your friends.
Thou shalt circulate fast: Even if it means giving away gifts for no reason at all, get rid of the things that are accumulating in your gifting cupboard before they become dated. Though everyone knows that everyone else too is recycling gifts, there must be nothing obvious about it.
Thou shalt repackage: When the sticky tape around the vase, or the set of wine glasses, rips open the packet, don’t despair. Get rid of the incriminating box, or other evidence, and fill the fruit bowl/vase/dishes/glasses with hand-wrapped chocolates and voila! Who would imagine it was a second- (or third-, fourth- or more) hand present?
Thou shalt occasionally add to the inventory: It’s easy to keep the junk going round, but if you wish to keep your friends, you must sometimes buy things they’ll actually like, and keep. That way, some of your recycled gifts will pass muster as originals too.
Thou shalt read the labels: Jams, jellies, cheeses, jars of olives, chocolates all come with sell-by and consume-by dates. When they’re past these dates, trash them instead of wrapping them up for someone you’re compelled to give a present to.
“And now,” said my wife, “if you’ll pass the tape, I have some gifts to re-wrap for when your aunt comes visiting this weekend — perhaps the marmalade that expires next week!”
