Now that it's incumbent upon us to exchange gifts and goodwill reflecting the spirit of festivity, I offer my list of suggestions that I hope some manufacturer will Make in India.
Self-squirting Ink For Writers: If, like octopuses, you want to confuse your enemies, just spray ink over your own face, thereby distracting others from doing so. Black ink, which seems to be the standard Shiv Sena issue, might benefit from a choice of royal blue (it would be my preference), but others might opt for red or green. Selfies and press conferences are likely side effects. Recommended for Indo-Pak peaceniks. Bags I send to Salman Rushdie first.
The Apology Automator: This one is for motormouths who can't seem to flash their pearlies without getting their knickers in a twist. The Apology Automator carries a self-timer loaded with options. Every time a politician finishes a speech, or talks al-fresco to the press, his aide-de-camp can issue an automatic edict from any of the following: a) "I was quoted out of context"; b) "It is an Opposition canard"; c) "I was given the wrong speech to read"; d) "It was off-the-record"; e) "I never said it, but even if I did, I support freedom of expression for everyone but the irresponsible media that reported what I said even though I denied it later". To be used daily by ministers who like to speak their mind.
Kilroy Was Here and There: If, like the graffiti character Kilroy, you need to mark your presence at every unfortunate incident that occurs in the country, this app lets you take your picture against a blow-up of the victims without having to actually travel to each place or respond to inane or hostile questions with a "I'm not here for the photo-op". Recommended for emerging party karyakartas.
Textbook Erasomat: Simply deletes pages from schoolbooks because they are repugnant to the party in power. The best part is that, with enough changes, there'll be no text left for schoolchildren to read, so they'll all ace their tests, even in the absence of teachers at government schools, solving all of India's illiteracy problems in one swoop.
Meat Illusionator: In order not to cause offence because of what you eat, or don't eat (meat eaters are easily offended by vegetarians), the Illusionator will disguise the bones on your plate to look like okra, baghare baingan will remind you of sausages, b--f in the fridge will 'apparate', and the poor will gain from thinking their watery gruel is actually dal.
MinorMajority Matrix: Ever noticed that when you stand up for the majority the minority think they're being attacked, and all because you kindly suggested the minority is on its way to becoming the majority, which means that the majority will become the minority. And the only way this can happen is when majority women are seduced by minority men to create a new majority that they're not responsible for because now they're the new minority. Phew! The MinorMajority Matrix will calculate the minority/majority ratio but someone's still working on the math.
Jinxter: There's a perception gaining currency that prime ministers are hexed into silence on moving to 7, RCR. The previous occupant was last heard speaking over a decade ago; and the current resident speaks only when he's far from home. The Jinxter will perform a non-denominational havan to remove the jinx on the house so its occupants can freely express themselves on a number of subjects on which they can be heard thinking - but not talking.
Disclaimer: These are personal views of the writer. They do not necessarily reflect the opinion of www.business-standard.com or the Business Standard newspaper
