Manas Chakravarty: A pro-forma election manifesto

WATCHWORD

It's the season for bringing out political manifestos. A diligent study of these documents, however, reveals that far from being the little masterpieces of fiction that they should be, the finished products come across as uninspiring stuff, calculated to put the reader to sleep rather than send him running to the voting booth to offer his little tribute to the party that harbours in its ranks such a magnificent manifesto-writer.

Instead of the free flow of literary composition, one gets the impression of the manifesto-scribe sweating over every word, wrestling with each sentence, stumbling over every paragraph. In short, he needs help.

We offer here a model vision document, a sort of Guide to Manifesto-Making that will in future be the invaluable companion of every manifesto-writer. All that the parties in government or in the opposition have to do is to delete the wrong answer/tick the right answer/ fill in the blanks.

The State of the Nation

The nation has never been in better/worse shape. After the terrible/glorious years of rule by X/Y/X and Y, the last five years have seen a smart turnaround/ a plumbing of the depths of degradation/ a continuation of the country's dismal record.

We are now one of the world's fastest-growing economies/have one of the highest rates of malnutrition in the world. Our GDP growth rate is the highest in the world/spending on health and education is one of the lowest in the world.

Our economy/unemployment is growing at a sizzling rate. We are well on our way to becoming a military superpower/ provided we sort out the little matter of our Air Force planes crashing every week.

In short, everything is absolutely hunky-dory, all that is needed to make this country a Garden of Eden is a little fine tuning, such as a little less heat this summer, which we will ensure, if elected/in short, everything is in the worst possible shape, and the only reason we are surviving is because of all the wonderful things we did when we were in power.

The years of opposition rule

The last fifty/five/fifty-five years of Congress/BJP/Congress and BJP rule have been disastrous for the country, bringing it to the brink of despair.

These years have brought us nothing but poverty, hunger, starvation deaths, destruction of agriculture, malaria, cholera, plague, illiteracy, pests, corruption, crime, communal hatred, flood, kow-towing to the imperialists, drought, squalor and lousy manifestos.

At the international level, the Congress must own up its responsibility for being unable to stop the Gulag and starvation deaths in China/ the BJP must take responsibility for the inability to stop al-Qaeda, the inflicting of George W Bush on an unsuspecting world, and the recent legalisation of pot in Canada.

On the other hand, the fifty/five years of our rule laid the basis for a vibrant India/ saw record foreign exchange reserves, a resurgent capitalism/a resurgent capitalism, good monsoons/good monsoons, the building up of the country's industrial base/ India as an IT superpower, the humbling of foreign designs on our country/ditto, people living in peace and harmony (with the exception of the occasional riot engineered by the opposition)/ same as above.

What we will do if elected

Our party derives its inspiration from the great, illustrious, magnificent people of this fantastic country. In keeping with our glorious traditions, we promise to keep alive the fire of our most deeply-held ideological conviction "" viz, that we want power, and we will promise whatever it takes to grab it.

For starters, we promise the following "" agricultural growth, industrial growth, human growth, and growth for pet as well as wild animals. We promise to make India a super power and a developed country by 2020, 2010 if any other party says they can do it earlier.

We will remove poverty a little after that date, electrify the villages, irrigate the fields, link every village with a network of roads, railways, canals, telecommunication cables and TV channels, provide cows to each villager, make India the knowledge capital of the world, eradicate illiteracy, make it the hub of world tourism, and ensure that people have toilets.

We will ensure harmony between different communities, tribes, castes, between minorities and majority, between vegetarians and non-vegetarians, between those who are obese and those who are thin.

We will ensure that India becomes the preferred destination for the world's cash, thus ensuring that all of us have more of it. In return, we promise immediate world peace, spirituality and goodwill towards all men.

Jai "" Hind/Shri Ram/Shri Marx/Shrimati Gandhi (One final tip for would-be vision document writers who have no stomach for such high-flown rhetoric "" a hip flask containing potent fluids, preferably hooch, is a sure antidote against manifesto-writer's block. Put it down as an election expense.)

manas@business-standard.com