Beheadings, murdered children, rape, historical revisionism … and then with four days to go, when you thought it couldn't get any worse, 2014 extinguished a planeload of lives in Indonesia. It really felt as if things could only get better in the new year.
That tiny ray of hope was duly snuffed out at breakfast on January 1, when I picked up my morning newspaper, dropped it with a scream because of the full-page ad featuring a dude with blood-curdling hair, and then picked it up again to read the usual litany of corruption, venality, political expediency and general despair. Plus ça change, especially given the horoscope I've drawn up for India in 2015. (I could be wrong, but keep in mind that while astrology is an inexact science, it is also an ancient Indian tradition and therefore always right.)
Prime minister: Rahu, or someone whose name sounds like that, has left your house. Now that the Bharatiya Janata Party has broken a decade-long jinx, this year you get to show your true faces, which one can number off as: 1. Dr Jekyll and 2. Mr Hyde. They are both yours. Gemini's position in your sky says that delegating dirty work doesn't mean your hands are clean. You've silently tolerated a lot of Communal Regressive Anti-education Poppycock (we have a ready acronym if you prefer), and people desperately want to believe you're starting with a clean slate in 2015. Of course, they're largely the same people who desperately wanted to believe you'd have no truck with the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS), so that's pretty funny. But even if we put 2014 down to "finding your feet", you should start think about walking the talk, because if it turns out that the big Modi wave is merely going to leave everyone wet and cold, well, time just flies, and it will be 2019 before you know it.
Good Governance Day: Your instant unpopularity is partly due to the shadow of Ketu, and mostly due to your creepy, boring personality. If you allow crowds of vandals to destroy movie theatres even as they celebrate you, we should assume that you are either a figment of our imagination, or you mean "Everybody fall in line, else we have efficient crowds of vandals who will make you". Maintaining law and order is number one on the good governance checklist, exactly where writing essays about it is not. I'm betting - sorry, I mean, the way the stars are aligned, it looks as if nobody will take you seriously, and you will eventually peter out and die of natural causes in everyone else's sleep.
National security: This year you are going to be everyone's favourite scapeg... - excuse me, buzzword. All the best planets love you and you can do no wrong, so don't worry, be happy. Take that, slashed healthcare Budget. Mars rules!
Ghar wapsi: People are outraged and upset. Why, they wonder, is India having to talk about you rather than economic development? How will converting people to Hinduism help to develop India? Their confusion is understandable. How could anyone have seen a long-standing and totally consistent Hindutva project coming, when they elected a government born of the khaki-knickered loins of the RSS? You are one of those gratuitous pot-stirring things, like "love jihad", that the Government of India can quietly encourage while making disapproving noises. A number of misguided Hindus didn't like the "love jihad" campaign at all, but the stars say that in 2015 you will beaver away at your thing. Your chances of success are 70-30. Or 50-50. Can't really tell, the skies are a little cloudy in January.
Consent: Boy, are you going to have a rough year. Your house is - well, there's no polite way to put this - our house. Also, your lands are our lands, and your forests are our forests. Your problems, however, are still your problems. How else do you expect us to deliver development faster than you can say by-election? Lie back and think of National Security. Forecast: mostly Shani.
Women's empowerment: Sorry, not your year (again). In fact, it's going to get a couple of ticks worse: the stars are heavily into the idea of you handing over your mobile phone and those slutty jeans, and of trying not to bring shame to India with every breath you take. They're consulting each other to find you a suitable husband, and when they come back, they'd better not find you talking to your boyfriend. What can I say - it's kalyug for you. Now stop asking questions and go back into the kitchen.
Freedom of expression: LOL. Go ahead and shoot for the moon, but your publishing house is not looking so hot.
Environment: The planets are weeping with laughter.
N B: Any resemblance to actual horoscopy is purely coincidental.
Disclaimer: These are personal views of the writer. They do not necessarily reflect the opinion of www.business-standard.com or the Business Standard newspaper
