A fly on the wall of 7, Race Course Road noted a very agitated Narendra Modi sending for Manmohan Singh on Wednesday. He had just heard Queen Elizabeth's speech opening Parliament.
"Arre pradhan mantri ji..." he began when Singh, getting out of the car, interrupted him.
"You are the pradhan mantri now! I am only a retired person."
"Chhoro all that. You are Camford Oxbridge. Dr Adam Smith himself gave you the prize. It's this England Bingland business. I am going there in November, as you know. David Cameron has invited me. He's an old friend. Not as old as Barack, of course, who calls me Narendra or would if he didn't respect me too much to be so familiar. But he doesn't mind me telling anyone who listens and many who don't what dostis we have become. That's bhai-bandh, networking in American. David is different. I am told his Rani can't write. Quite unlike our head of state who reads so many books-phooks and writes them too! David writes her big speeches. What did he mean when she said she wants 'enhanced relationship' with India and China?"
Modi was off again before Singh could reply.
"David is a realist. He brackets India with China. Same to same, both world leaders, my old friend Jinping and I. That didn't happen in your time pradhan mantri - I mean Manmohan Singh - ji! Indians were then ashamed to say they were Indian...
"But 'enhanced relationship' is worrying. Arun Jaitley, who is English-educated almost like you, says Elizabeth's pita-ji was India's samrat, no? I hear that when she visited Jaipur and Gayatri Devi was maharani, people called her 'malika-maharani'! Is that what 'enhanced relationship' means?
"Sangh Parivar won't tolerate memsahib maharani, constitutional or extra-constitutional. It's different for suited-booted Congress. Annie Besant, Nellie Sengupta, also memsahibs. What should I say if David asks me to make Elizabeth malika-maharani?"
Two other points in the Queen's speech bothered him. Stopping illegal immigration is understandable but he was more interested in the British government wanting to seize what illegal workers earned.
"As you know, Manmohan Singh-ji, we have decided to give citizenship to Hindus from East Pakistan and Bangladesh. That means Muslims who also come - my Bangla friends tell me the Left parties are big-time human smugglers! - are illegals. We must seize their earnings too. Keep Sangh Parivar happy!"
He also referred to banning strikes in essential services. "You are economist, Manmohan-ji, you know wealth creation demands jobs. Jobs depend on industry. Industry needs land. Therefore, land acquisition is essential industry! Congress must support a law like Cameron's proposed legislation. Please issue a three-line whip in the Rajya Sabha" he asked. "If whip isn't enough, use cane and rod."
"I am not leader of the party in the Rajya Sabha" Singh pleaded. "Ghulam Nabi Azad was elected leader."
Modi returned to China where he spent three days recently against Singh's two days in 2013.
"I took selfies..." but Singh cut in.
"Is that the musical instrument you played?"
"No, that was Japan where I beat Taiko drums..."
"I thought you made some music more recently..."
"Yes, in Mongolia, the horsehead fiddle..."
"You fiddled what?"
"Mongolians call it morin khuur. It was greatly appreciated!"
"And I have to face the music" Singh murmured.
"What was that?"
"I was only saying you struck a chord in China."
Modi looked at him suspiciously. Was his predecessor making fun of him? But he had a serious point.
"The Chinese have lost interest in Aksai Chin. It's no longer strategically essential. They want Tawang. I've tried to distract them with e-visas and region-to-region partnership. They won't listen! What more can I do?"
Singh was firm.
"They promised in writing in 2005 the border must lie along 'well-defined and easily identifiable natural geographical features' and the 'due interests of... settled populations in the border areas' must be respected. Hold them to that," he insisted.
Modi looked at him. An idea had just crossed his mind. "Otherwise, I'll advise Elizabeth to forget India but go ahead with 'enhanced relationship' with China."
Singh tried to recall a joke he had heard in Oxford. It was a schoolboy riddle. "When was Queen Victoria empress of China?" The answer was "When she sat on the throne." But it wasn't delicate. And the word throne didn't have lavatorial connotations in Hindi. So, he kept quiet. He hoped Modi hadn't heard of Narasimha Rao's comment that silence is also an answer.
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