Okay, I am on leave from work, and I don't know what to do. The days are growing long, and the twilight is once again descending upon me. I realise I am racing slowly towards death, at the rate of one year per year. Panicking, I think what I do have in the present moment: a terrible mood, a WiFi and an impulse to type something on the internet.
So, I Google, in succession, how to bite nails, how to ace an exam without studying, how to insult someone, and the top hit almost always was WikiHow.com, a collection of how-to manuals written in artless step-by-step processes. For most of these holidays, I keep myself from doing things by reading hundreds of WikiHow posts, and even using a dozen or so. However, they are not absurd enough to be exactly what I need, so I make some of my own. Consider the following.
How to dismantle an atom bomb: The fates of millions hinge on your understanding of this.
Step one: Locate the bomb. Since the name suggests that the atom bomb is not much larger than, well, an atom, it will be very difficult to spot it. There are quite a few ways to do this, though, the easiest is to wait for the bomb to go off, and then observe where the mushroom cloud rose from. However, do this only if you can travel back in time to prevent the nuclear explosion, or if you are a big chicken. The second method is hiring an atom-sniffing dog to search for the deadly particle; just be careful the dog does not sniff in the atom bomb, which is nothing but a bomb the size of an atom.
Step two: Now that you've located the bomb, defuse it. This is hard, since you have to press the off button on a bomb the size of an atom. The only way you can press the off button is by enlarging the bomb to visible proportions; this will make both the bomb and its destruction radius bigger, so be careful.
Step three: Dismantle the bomb.
Step four: Congratulations, you just dismantled the bomb.
Consider another on how to fly with an airline. Hope this helps.
Step one: Get on the plane. Check under all seats for any bombs that security may have missed.
Step two: Look at the wings, they make the plane fly; look closely, you may even see them flutter like a bird. They usually have twinkling lights, to amuse and attract birds and other planes from a distance.
Step three: See the engines that propel the plane forward. Most planes have two or more and they usually hang from the wings. When one fails, the other(s) takes over, though it may take a bit longer to get to your destination. Should an engine fall off in flight, the other will take over and the reduced weight of the plane will make it easier to fly. If all engines fall off, the pilot may make an emergency landing, but usually the plane will just crash.
Step four: Check out the bathrooms of a plane and you will notice a queue (and a fee, if you're flying with a budget airline). If there is a bomb on board, it may be hidden in the bathroom.
Step five: Visit the cockpit where the pilot and co-pilot sit and fly the plane. If one gets food poisoning, the other can take over (unless you fly with a budget airline, where the air hostess takes over instead). Should both pilots get food poisoning, or be attacked by terrorists, ask the terrorists, very nicely, if they can land the plane in a safe area.
Step six: Take off. You will start to scream. This is normal.
Step seven: Airport landing, crash landing, water landing. I prefer water landing, the opposite of hard landing. Planes are buoyant, like boats, and will float on water, until they start to take on water and sink. Each seat cushion can be used as a floatation device and life jackets add to the boating experience. For your benefit, pack in swimming trunks.
Step eight: Congratulations! Your flight has come to an end. We enjoyed taking you for a ride!
If you think this is embarrassing, WikiHow formalises it in a judgment-free zone, where everyone seeks and posts advice anonymously.
